Wine Cooler Sales Surge Due to Leaked Bristol Palin Memoir

Not since the launch of Bartles & Jaymes with their two old geezer spokespeople has the wine cooler seen such a spike in sales as they have this week due to leaked details of Bristol Palin’s memoir.

In the upcoming book Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (working title: How to Bring Your Teenage Years and Any Potential Future Prospects of Fun to a Screeching Halt), Alaska’s former first daughter details how she lost her virginity to former flame Levi Johnston while drunk on wine coolers and didn’t remember a thing. And teens nationwide, that just assumed because of where Bristol hailed from that she was high on crystal meth when she got knocked up, breathed a sigh of relief at this news.

One teen couple that offered to be interviewed told us why they were now switching to wine coolers. The girl said, “I thought you had to weigh like 90 pounds to get drunk on those things to blot out reality, but one look at Bristol Palin proves that’s definitely NOT true!  I'm so glad too, because I never was able to get the nerve to throw up my meals.  But you know, if I did accidentally get knocked up while drunk, I don’t think if I found somebody to ghostwrite a book for me about my life, even if it was my true story, that I would detail for my baby to realize how his daddy was a cheating rat bastard who made me want to puke. If I could puke. And that would be my decision without considering if he'll even learn how to read.” Her boyfriend concurred, “It’s so much easier to get a girl drunk instead of trying to find out what her interests are to have meaningful conversations to develop a real relationship in order to get laid. Beer isn’t sweet enough for chicks and Robitussin is getting harder to come by thanks to suspicious pharmacists. Besides, neither works as well as wine coolers while disguised as Slushie or an energy drink.”