Karma's a Bitch

That's what he gets for interrupting that virgin-for-pay Taylor Swift. Paybacks are Hell Kanye.

Obama Looking Forward to 4 More Years of Calling Kanye West a Jackass

Washington, DC – Sources close to President Barack Obama claim that not only is the faux progressive looking forward to having four more years for Americans to notice his first term accomplishments -- he’s also hoping for four more years rife with opportunities to label Kanye West a “jackass.” Obama famously labeled hip-hop’s biggest ego as such after his stunt at the VMAs embarrassing full-time surprised person Taylor Swift and did so again this week when asked about him by The Atlantic.

A rep from Obama’s campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “When that Atlantic reporter asked him about Jay-Z versus Kanye, of course Obama was going to say he preferred Jay-Z.  Jay lets him sing karaoke with Beyonce at parties.  Once we crush Romney in the election in November provided every racist in America doesn’t come out of their bomb shelter to vote, the President will enjoy having many more chances to label West, or 'Immaletchufinish' as we refer to him in the West Wing, a jackass.  He’s the only person who can really do that with little to no fear of a drive-by shooting thanks to the Secret Service.  And now that Kanye is dating a Kardashian, he’s pretty much guaranteed to implode publicly more often than Speaker Boehner burst into tears.  Although I must confess, considering how many of George W. Bush’s policies Obama has continued with, I’m surprised that he didn’t mistakenly refer to the rapper as Conway.”

Hospital Denies Installing Electronic Force Field to Keep Commoners Away from Jay-Z and Beyonce’s Baby

New York – Lennox Hill Hospital has been taking a lot of heat for possibly giving R&B and rap superstars, Beyonce and Jay-Z, special treatment during their stay in the maternity ward during and after the birth of their baby girl Blue Ivy Garden Weed Seedling.  And now rumors are also flying that they actually installed an electronic force field for the couple to keep the other people in the hospital away from their new bundle of joy - at least before she had signed her first recording contract and needed the publicity.

One new dad told Unsolicited Drivel, “They can deny it all they want, but on my way to the to the nursery to see my newborn, I definitely felt a significant shock through my entire body when I got within ten feet away from the glass and I was forced to skip the visit and there was suddenly smoke coming out of my ears and I didn’t want the newborns to be already thinking about taking up a nasty habit like cigarettes.  Especially the ones that didn’t really have lungs yet.”

The hospital denies any such electronic deterrent was set up to keep the little people from obtaining a glance at the R&B baby royalty.  A spokesperson clarified further, “We did no such thing to keep plain people that can’t afford to buy Birkin diaper bags in every color away from the nursery when little Ivy was in it.  We also deny that we brought in live storks that had been trained as OBGYNs to deliver her, or that any out of work actors were hired to impersonate wise men or angels, or that we arranged for a star to be visible from the east, and that the entire six floor was on lock-down before and after the birth.  Beyonce and Jay-Z had a very simple birth and welcomed their beautiful baby girl into our ‘Executive Suite,’ which means the only difference between her and other moms was that Beyonce got a free can of macadamia nuts. Yeah, that’s pretty much all she got.”