Turdmanistan Graciously Offers Asylum to NSA Leaker Edward Snowden

Come for the delicious beetles; stay for the floggings!

Central Asia – The little known somewhat repressive country Turdmanistan has made an open asylum offer to the U.S.'s former NSA heroic or villainous (depending on whom you ask) whistleblower Edward Snowden in an effort to quote, “finally get some sexy or at least skanky pop stars to sing happy birthday to our president.”

Snowden, currently hiding in a Russian airport like Tom Hanks did in the movie The Terminal, has stated he wants to leave the airport because there is no one there who looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones even though Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let him see him shirtless.

A press secretary for Turdmanistan’s President Gurbangalangajoud Mahmoudsudoko told Unsolicited Drivel, “We know our president is not as brutal a dictator as say, the late master hater Moammar Gaddafi, or as snappy a dresser.  In fact some days it’s hard to get him to wear something fancier than a moth-eaten Whitney Houston t-shirt and the same old stinky flax drawstring pants when he bends toward Mecca to pray, and he’s really not quite as repressive as he should be.  Naturally, our people are starving and pretty much have only dung beetles to eat. But as far as violence is concerned, the president basically just sticks to having our citizens self-flog themselves for his entertainment with a camel-riding crop.  Therefore, I fear our only chance to buy a pop star with no morals on the level of Jennifer Lopez to sing at his birthday party is if we offer this American spy a place to crash.  That is, unless you believe this Ms. Lopez thinks Snowden is a traitor? Do you know? Well in case you are aware of J-Lo's any negative feelings, or Beyonce's too for that matter, do you by any chance have Ke$ha’s phone number? I'm pretty sure she has no thoughts about America's privacy one way or another.”

Karma's a Bitch

That's what he gets for interrupting that virgin-for-pay Taylor Swift. Paybacks are Hell Kanye.

Limbaugh Citizenship to Be Revoked for Misinterpreting Beyonce Lyrics

Jerusalem - President Obama took time out of his busy schedule of making Israel’s President Benjamin Netanyahu seem less evil today to attend to a more pressing matter – revoking Rush Limbaugh’s citizenship over his Beyonce flub.

Because Limbaugh has been married four times and doesn’t have the first clue about how a woman’s mind works, he praised the R&B superstar for the lyrics in her new single “Bow Down / I Been On” thinking it meant she was either submissive to her husband Jay-Z, or would be submissive to him should she actually be in the same room with him ever in his lifetime which is about as likely as Limbaugh being hit by a meteor.  But unfortunately Limbaugh only listened to 15 seconds of the song, the same amount of time it takes him to climax, so he never got to the lyric about Beyonce being more than “his little wife.”

A spokesperson for Obama told Unsolicited Drivel, “The President had plenty of time to sneak in revoking Limbaugh’s citizenship because of the huge gaps of time he had in trying to gain the trust of the Israelis.  Beyonce is the equivalent of our Duchess Kate in this country so something had to be done to about his disrespectful remarks quickly.  So expect to see Rush’s name and the words ‘unlawful combatant’ come up in a memo soon.  Like half and hour ago!  At least Rush will enjoy the Cuban cigars at Gitmo!”

Super Bowl XLVII Half Time Shows We'd LIKE to See

It's time to dance/lip synch for your life!

New Orleans – Beyonce is set to replace Madonna as the lip syncher at this year’s Super Bowl FORTY-SEVEN (we are not in ancient Rome, are we?).  Bey will do a bang-up job, even without Blue Ivy as a back-up singer, and will remind us of it constantly for days after the game.  But every year, we at Unsolicited Drivel think to ourselves, “Why can’t the fans have any say in who performs at the half time show? We certainly get to express our opinion about who gets to perform on shitty reality shows?”  So, for the third year in a row, we present to you our “Fantasy Football Super Bowl Shows We’d Like to See!”


CHRIS BROWN GOES DOWN:  Let’s see… who has the irascible rapper attacked this year?  Frank Ocean, Drake, comedienne Jenny Johnson (with words, yo!), the lady at the Starbucks who called out, ‘Latte Macchiato for Beater,’ and probably the cop who pulled him over for speeding yesterday and probably also anyone who looked at him sideways.  To say this guy doesn’t have rage issues is like saying the GOP doesn’t like to use Christians as a human shield to try and get elected.  Anyhow… at the very least, Frank Ocean, Jenny Johnson, and Drake will beat Chris in front of the crowd with bats – but the fight will be SIMULATED with those soft bats.  Then Chris will be tied up with a whip and Rhianna will take him out for real in the (now proven fictional) ‘Mandingo’ style a la the movie Django Unchained, but she’ll just use her fingernails.

TAYLOR SWIFT; C’MON GET HAPPY: After failing to bag herself a Kennedy with her chastity (really, a Kennedy, committing without sex?), country ‘it-girl,’ Taylor Swift will debut a new sunnier side of music where she doesn’t sing about guys always dumping her because she won’t put out and thinks they will settle for just being photographed with her. The songs will be about nice things like puppies, kitties and rainbows. She will announce that she will always love her fans, but she’s going to go and live on a farm near Nashville and all of her songs will be downloadable via iTunes so the rest of America is not forced to see her on the Grammys or VMAs anymore.

MARIAH CAREY-NIKKI MINAJ SMACKDOWN: American Idol rival judges Carey and Minaj will fight before a live audience.  Mariah will fight Nikki with her powerful singing pipes and Nikki will fight Mariah by rapping her weird songs backed up by her fake butt and those two little fans of hers from The Ellen Show that remind us at Unsolicited Drivel of the ‘Mothra Twins.’ This performance will go on for much longer than the average bathroom break and then MIA will march onto the field and punch both their lights out to relieve the audience of their misery.  The Mothra Twins will be spared though.

ONE DIRECTION DOES MANY DIRECTIONS: The lovely little British (non-mop-tops) Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry, and Louis will be forced to embrace a new musical style.  To show some mercy for viewers older than the Super Bowl itself and who also remember REAL music, Simon Cowell’s manufactured generic boy band will attempt to pull off songs by Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.  When they realize they can’t even pull off CSNY outside of a studio without a sound engineer, the group will then spontaneously combust.   Yay!  No more ‘bizarro’ British invasion!!

AND LASTLY… to finish off the show, Pappa John’s Pizza owner John Schnatter will be used as the ball to kick a field goal to start the second half after his raising the cost of his shitty pizza by mere cents to pay for Obamacare.


                                            GO RAVENS!!!

Lindsay Lohan's $40,000 Tanning Bill Explained

Lindsay Lohan is being sued for $40,000 in unpaid tanning bills from a salon in Las Vegas.   Our in-house tabloid has figured out why the fading starlet struggled to stay so tan!

Obama Looking Forward to 4 More Years of Calling Kanye West a Jackass

Washington, DC – Sources close to President Barack Obama claim that not only is the faux progressive looking forward to having four more years for Americans to notice his first term accomplishments -- he’s also hoping for four more years rife with opportunities to label Kanye West a “jackass.” Obama famously labeled hip-hop’s biggest ego as such after his stunt at the VMAs embarrassing full-time surprised person Taylor Swift and did so again this week when asked about him by The Atlantic.

A rep from Obama’s campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “When that Atlantic reporter asked him about Jay-Z versus Kanye, of course Obama was going to say he preferred Jay-Z.  Jay lets him sing karaoke with Beyonce at parties.  Once we crush Romney in the election in November provided every racist in America doesn’t come out of their bomb shelter to vote, the President will enjoy having many more chances to label West, or 'Immaletchufinish' as we refer to him in the West Wing, a jackass.  He’s the only person who can really do that with little to no fear of a drive-by shooting thanks to the Secret Service.  And now that Kanye is dating a Kardashian, he’s pretty much guaranteed to implode publicly more often than Speaker Boehner burst into tears.  Although I must confess, considering how many of George W. Bush’s policies Obama has continued with, I’m surprised that he didn’t mistakenly refer to the rapper as Conway.”

Hospital Denies Installing Electronic Force Field to Keep Commoners Away from Jay-Z and Beyonce’s Baby

New York – Lennox Hill Hospital has been taking a lot of heat for possibly giving R&B and rap superstars, Beyonce and Jay-Z, special treatment during their stay in the maternity ward during and after the birth of their baby girl Blue Ivy Garden Weed Seedling.  And now rumors are also flying that they actually installed an electronic force field for the couple to keep the other people in the hospital away from their new bundle of joy - at least before she had signed her first recording contract and needed the publicity.

One new dad told Unsolicited Drivel, “They can deny it all they want, but on my way to the to the nursery to see my newborn, I definitely felt a significant shock through my entire body when I got within ten feet away from the glass and I was forced to skip the visit and there was suddenly smoke coming out of my ears and I didn’t want the newborns to be already thinking about taking up a nasty habit like cigarettes.  Especially the ones that didn’t really have lungs yet.”

The hospital denies any such electronic deterrent was set up to keep the little people from obtaining a glance at the R&B baby royalty.  A spokesperson clarified further, “We did no such thing to keep plain people that can’t afford to buy Birkin diaper bags in every color away from the nursery when little Ivy was in it.  We also deny that we brought in live storks that had been trained as OBGYNs to deliver her, or that any out of work actors were hired to impersonate wise men or angels, or that we arranged for a star to be visible from the east, and that the entire six floor was on lock-down before and after the birth.  Beyonce and Jay-Z had a very simple birth and welcomed their beautiful baby girl into our ‘Executive Suite,’ which means the only difference between her and other moms was that Beyonce got a free can of macadamia nuts. Yeah, that’s pretty much all she got.”

Beyonce Releases Sonogram to Silence "Baby Bump" Controversy

Pop superstar Beyonce's pregnancy has been under scrutiny all week after a video of her sitting down on a talk show surfaced and it appeared that the "bump" folded in half.  Her rep dismissed the fake pregnancy speculation as nonsense but it hasn't died down.  So now, just like Kim Kardashian released an X-Ray of her butt to prove it was real, Beyonce has released her first sonogram and ONLY we have it here: