Bush Declines Invitation to Ground Zero Bin Laden Ceremony

Crawford, TX – Former President George W. Bush has declined President Obama’s invitation to attend a ceremony at at Ground Zero to mark the death of Osama bin Laden tomorrow.

Speaking from a behind pile of brush on his ranch, Bush told us, “I appreciate the invitation.  I really do.  And I’m sad I won’t be there, but it don’t feel right.  I mean, most Americans wouldn’t even know who that feller Osama bin Laden was if I hadn’t ignored that memo about his plan to attack, so you’re welcome.  And think of all of them jobs I created in Homeland Security too!   But I do believe this is Mr. Obama’s accomplishment.  Takin’ bin Laden out and all.  Out of that mansion he was living in Pakistan that we never found ‘cause Halliburton didn’t have no contracts there.  Yep,  this is clearly a win for the Obama administration.  Despite what that Sarah Palin thinks.  And speakin’ of Sarah, ever since she’s come on the national stage, I don’t hardly have access to Karl Rove to tell me what to think and say because he’s too busy doin’ damage control for our party ‘cause of her.  Damn.  She’s pretty and all, but at times like this I really hate that harpy.”

My Rejected Terror Alert Chart Design

When I heard that the Department of Homeland Security was revamping their terror alert system, I just assumed that they would be open to design submissions from fellow Americans.  Boy was I wrong!  Not only did they reject my design, they asked to see my birth certificate too!!  I don’t get why they rejected me.  I have the two levels, elevated and imminent, like they had planned to use and I also added their idea of social networking for the terror alerts.  Plus, President George W. Bush always told us that if we don’t go shopping, the terrorists win.  Oh well.  Back to the drawing board.  Not!

Safeguard Yourself From Unhinged Celebrities

It's important to take precautions in avoiding obscenely overpaid egomaniacs losing their grips on reality to maintain one's own sanity.  Some celebrities are more of a danger than others.  Find out the level of their threat with our handy chart:

Jay Lame-o Uses Tasteless Terrorist Reference to Slam Coco

Los Angeles - You would think that getting your old job back and still having a decent viewership after an absence of six months would be enough for Jay Leno - on top of his huge salary and his owning every freakin’ classic motorcycle made - but you would be wrong.

NBC and Lame-o were feeling testy over O’Brien’s interview with “60 Minutes” last Sunday, as it was a reminder that Conan didn’t run away with his tail between his legs, and Jay somehow thought it would be funny to connect Conan’s anger to the Times Square Bomber.  For those of us who are still wondering what he found funny about his monologue at the WHCD last weekend, his choice of trying to give us the giggles over what was nearly a catastrophe with loss of human life, leaves him two for two: bomb on bomb.

NBC was hot under the overly starched collar as O’Brien claimed that Lame-o’s severance package was much greater, and that’s why they chose to keep him.  NBC insists the number of monetary units contractually promised to both performers were essentially the same (but Conan’s were in pesos).  It seems like NBC will say whatever they can to save face as they are tied to the hip with Jay Leno and his audience who are in danger of breaking a hip.

In his monologue, Jay joked about finding a Facebook page of accused Times Square Car Bomber, Faisal Shahzad, which listed him as being a member of “Team Coco,” the Facebook group created in support of the wronged “Tonight Show” host. 

When reached for comment in his holding cell, Shahzad offered, “it’s true, I have the page of the Facebook, but those are not my groups.  I was a fan of the redheaded giant, however.  I really liked to watch his show to see that bear that does things that in my religion - well, you would automatically get your hands cut off for doing that!  Perhaps if I had not stayed up so late watching this ‘Coco,’ all of the time I would not have fallen asleep with such regularity in my 8 AM bomb building class.”