Donald Trump Set to Moderate a Republican Debate?

Des Moines, IA – Will The Donald be “firing” any 2012 GOP candidates this election cycle? It seems possible now that Newsmax has scheduled the TV reality star to host what will very likely be a lively debate on Ion TV on December 27th.

A spokesperson for the business mogul told Unsolicited Drivel, “Everybody loves Donald Trump as he’s continued to reinvent himself bankruptcy after bankruptcy and has upgraded his wives’ hotness each time as well. We think he will bring a lively, grassroots angle to the GOP debate. And speaking of roots, between Trump, Romney and Ron Paul’s eyebrows it should be one of the more interesting debates from a strictly follicle angle. Too bad Rod Blagojevich is no longer a politico! Expect this debate to be much more like The Apprentice as it will take place at a conference table and be more like a brainstorming session. That will give Rick Perry a chance to show America that his brain still does actually work.  Maybe. There will be no trick questions. Like which country does or doesn’t have nuclear weapons? Are you listening Herman Cain? Trump doesn’t even care if any of them can pronounce the word ‘nuclear.’ Should he get back in the race himself, he’d only nuke North Korea anyway. I expect the Donald will primarily just want to know what the candidates’ plans are for penalizing China for taking such advantage of the U.S. financially. Donald had proposed a 25% tariff on all of their imports and also insisted that they use their own products at home and resume binding their feet again. This Trump debate should be a really exciting event. Now if we can just get through the weekend without Newt Gingrich firing all of the other candidates first!”

Rich Bastards Will NOT Be Paying Up on Taxes Despite Plea from Singer Willie Nelson

Speaking to a TV network in Texas this week, country music legend Willie Nelson said he was “proud” of the Occupy movements, and that the American people have stood up, shown they’ve “finally had enough” and have demanded it’s time for the rich to pay their fair share of taxes.  He stated,  “I pay my taxes.  Well, at least now that I have an accountant who doesn’t confuse peyote buttons for blueberries on his Grape Nuts I do.  And some of those guys up there on Wall Street don’t. And those are the ones that I’m pissed off at - the ones that make millions of dollars a year and don’t pay any taxes.”

But as the arrests of occupiers continued in the New York financial district today, at least one fat cat says that despite being a Nelson fan, he believes the majority of his ilk will still never pay up.  Hedge fund manager J. Pennypont Edgarton told Unsolicited Drivel, “Willie is an American treasure.  No doubt.  But he lost his street-cred with us the minute he decided to pay his back taxes.  I’ll admit that Willie does still seem pretty keen to us as we believe he probably doesn’t even have to use Viagra to have sex. Most of us haven’t been able to do that since 2008.  Be that as it may, until the singer’s name and the words “secret account in the Caymans” come up in the same sentence, we’ll have to stick exclusively to listening what Willie produces that comes out of our Blaupunkts.” 

When reached for comment about Edgarton’s remark, Nelson told us that “it was no surprise that greedy a-hole had no desire to change and would just prefer to sit idly by drinking champagne and ignore that the country is providing no solutions for any American less fortunate than himself.  And speaking of Americans with no solutions, Nelson also said that he appreciated being able to watch the Republican presidential debates as light-hearted, comedic entertainment while on his tour bus nearly every night.  He stated of the forums, “The debates are better than watching Dazed and Confused on a continuous loop, man.  I love to watch those candidates scramble to cover their past crazy comments, flip-flops or financial shenanigans connecting them to corrupt lobbyists.  It’s the biggest bunch of laughs you can have without being high on custom-cultivated Sensimilla.”

Rick Santorum Pledges to Reverse America’s Progress on Gay Rights

Orlando, FL – While the audiences at the Republican debates seem to be stealing each candidate’s thunder and auditioning for their own reality show (Who Wants to Be an Intolerant Rat-Bastard?), that still didn’t keep GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum from seeming like even more of a hater by pledging to reverse the progress of gays in the military.

A gay soldier directed a question to Santorum, asking if he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” if he became president.   Santorum answered, “I came here tonight with the intention of beating on Rick Perry for not building a fence to keep the Mexicans out who keep stealing our jobs.  Jobs.  Jobs.  Jobs. But if you insist on bringing it up, I do not think we should inject social (socialist) policy into the military.  Soldiers are there to kill people who don't like our freedom.  Plain and simple. Sex should not be an issue. There should be no sex in the military. Why do you think those doll makers didn’t give G.I. Joe any genitals? I would definitely bring back the policy of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and gay soldiers would just have to go back to their previous way of dealing with sexual frustration – by filming themselves lip-synching to Lady Gaga dance club favorites in their underwear.”

Bachmann to Perry: Jesus Would NEVER Have Vaccinated for HPV

Tampa, FL – Pride of Iowa and the highest bidder in its straw poll, Rep. Michele Bachmann, went after Texas Governor Rick Perry in the Tea Party sponsored GOP debate last night with a loaded syringe,  insisting Jesus would never have vaccinated anyone for HPV.

Perry came under fire from all of the GOP candidates (who are starting to make the idea of a reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon look good for 2012) over his mandate for all Texas adolescent girls to be vaccinated to protect against cervical cancer and to load his campaign war chest with money from Merck Pharmaceuticals.

Being very careful not to imply she actually believes in a woman’s right to choose what to do with her own body, Bachmann claimed that Jesus, the same Jesus who told her to run for President, would never have insisted on vaccinating for a virus that was caused by promiscuity*. She concluded Jesus believed in abstinence and she believed Jesus had never even gotten busy with anyone himself, and six grade girls shouldn’t be getting busy until it was time to submit to their husbands after junior high. Bachmann also insisted that Perry stood to gain financially from the mandate of the drug by lining his pockets with much more money than she’d been able to line her own pockets with courtesy of the Federal Government. In conclusion, she stomped her foot, turned and exited stage left to have her husband Marcus fluff her hair. Marcus also gave Michele credit for not pointing out to America what is painfully obvious - Jesus hates Rick Perry and sent fire to Texas when Perry prayed for rain.

Perry insisted between more smirks and 'Yippe ki yays' than in the last debate (at least until Jeb Bush throws his Stetson into the race) that he only ever received a $5,000 campaign contribution from Merck and that if Bachmann believed that he could be bought for such a piddling amount, the little lady really needed to take a refresher course on the concept of “crony capitalism."  And in concluding his defense, Perry let out a "Yee Haw!”

*It’s in the Bible. See for yourself.

Some Twitter Fun at the GOP's Expense

And if you want to play a debate drinking game, I suggest the word "Obamacare."

Obama Realistic About Re-election

New York – Speaking at a fundraiser last night likely attended by only by folks who get to hang* with the Clintons, President Obama stressed that his administration is focused on putting Americans back to work, instead of deluding themselves into thinking that spending cuts will solve all of our problems.  He suggested we invest in new (green) technologies and reinvest in education instead of just helping the rich invest on Wall Street, as was the plan over the last 10 years.

On a night when GOP Presidential hopefuls were cat-fighting in a debate over which had the least accomplishments, and a Fox News host received "boos" from the audience when he asked Michele Bachmann if she “submits” to her husband (when everyone knows Marcus Bachmann likes to be dominated), the President turned focus back to the important tasks at hand. Some of his remarks included: 

“Democracy is a messy business.  Heck, the Iraqi people can tell you that.  Our system is broken and after 2 1/2 half years of holding it together with Krazy Glue, it’s time to face facts - that glue just doesn’t do a heckuva job.  Getting to a second term will be a challenge.  Maybe I should have saved Bin Laden's death as an 'October surprise?'  But that's not my style.  So, are we going to have a country that’s inclusive, with opportunities for everybody, or a country that remains exclusive?  Are we going to create jobs outside of the military for a change?  Well, that’s the plan.  In fact, we have created jobs under my administration.  I thought about hiring a PR firm to get the message out, but that kind of bullsh*t costs money.  Besides, I’m not sure there’s a firm in America that’s talented enough get any message through the dense skulls of the Tea Party. Thanks.  You've been a lovely audience.  Enjoy the local free-range prime rib.”

As always, Ohio’s progressive Rep. Dennis Kucinich took issue with Obama’s leadership by stating, “Obama needs to be more like FDR.”  Upon hearing this criticism, GOP Presidential front-runner Mitt Romney stated, “If you mean Obama needs to be a rich white guy who comes from a neighborhood that most Americans could only dream about living in, then I agree!” 

*Not the folks who hang the Clinton’s hand-painted wallpaper.