Here's a Newspaper Headline I'd Like to See... But Know I Never Will

Wal-Mart Heiress Sadly Admits to Being Sober When Dumping Paul Deen

Where's the PBR?

Somewhere in Texas (y’all) – In a stunning revelation this morning Wal-Mart heiress Alice Walton confessed to being “sober as a June bug under a magnifying glass” while making the decision to shit-can America's Dame of Diabetes, Paula Deen, in their corporate partnership.

Known for driving into trees drunk (because she won’t hire a person of color to take her pub crawling), Walton insisted that the decision came very easily, even while sober, because she just doesn’t like "crackers." In fact, as of this writing, we were told the only crackers Walton has any tolerance for are oyster crackers on a bowl of San Antonio style chili.

A spokesperson for the notorious ingrate told Unsolicited Drivel, “Alice doesn’t live here anymore. Ha! Even though the Walton family made their fortunes off of racist hicks, Alice hated 'crackers' before it was cool. But only IRONICALLY. That’s why in board meetings, when we get together to discuss how to strong-arm our vendors into creating more slave labor, we have to refer to Ms. Walton as 'The Hillbilly Hipster'  ma'am yes, ma'am.”

Exciting New Magazine for "Dwellers!"

K-Mart Shipped Pot; Still Not a Cool Store

Finally, dudes?! 

Seattle, Washington – A carton of marijuana actually meant for Philadelphia was shipped to a K-Mart store in Seattle leaving cops baffled and customers wondering if K-Mart was suddenly cool.  Even in SEATTLE, the K-Mart still doesn’t sell those tacky knitted hats with the earflaps and the pom-poms on top leaving many hipsters at a loss.

Police say the pot was wrapped in plastic bricks and Korean newspaper inside the box with packing peanuts and originated from Los Angeles.  The cops did not say if the paper was NORTH Korean, but that kind of goes without saying. Kim Jong Un would never allow his repressed people pot because there is no food and they might get munchies and have to resort to eating their kids.  Or eating Kim (Dear Leader the Sequel) if they had any hope in Hell of getting close enough to him.

Nevertheless, folks in Seattle were left crestfallen that the K-Mart was not suddenly cool, as they have been boycotting Wal-Mart for years and they don’t have as many Targets as they have Starbucks.

Quite frankly, the only way a K-Mart store could be cool even if they were shipped a box of pot is if they opened the box and saw this:

 

Photo via Google+

Give the Lord an "A" for Effort

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Hipsters Don’t Have to Fake Disgust as Much Thanks to Heat Wave

New York – Americans were experiencing little relief on this fifth day of a record heat wave, but at least some of them were slightly less put-upon as they didn’t have to fake being pissed off quite so much just to seem cool.

At a local bookstore/coffee house in Brooklyn today hipsters admitted that being pissed off for an entire week courtesy of Mother Nature and her inferno was kind of a decent break from keeping up a façade of everything being bogus if it wasn't already "over." One young man told Unsolicited Drivel, “I have to admit I hated having to ditch my flannel shirt this week, but my head would literally have to be on fire for me to ditch my wool hat too.  It would sort of just go against the unwritten fashion code.  The heat dome or whatever made up term they media is calling it has made it much easier for us to seem pissed off for no reason to the general public though.  My sister’s been enjoying showing off her tats this week so she can make people think she’s more of a bitch than she really is and I’ve almost gotten used to drinking my PBR warm even though I sort of have to gag it down.  So if I find myself hard-up to express total ambivalence or disgust as a situation calls for it this winter, I’ll just heat myself up a can.”