Ted Nugent Attending the State of the Union Address? No Problem, According to Satan!

Don't worry sane people, I got this.  XO, Satan.

Hell – The Prince of Darkness, Satan, stated to Unsolicited Drivel today that people who are “up in arms”…(get it?) over one time rocker and now permanently mentally unhinged gun-nut Ted Nugent attending Obama’s State of the Union Address tonight should just chill already. That’s something that Satan doesn’t say lightly either – “chill.”

Rep. Steve Stockman (R) of Texas announced Monday that he didn’t believe there would be enough insane people who only cared about killing stuff (including President Obama) attending tonight's address and offered Nugent a ticket in the nose bleed seats for the President’s speech about why we are not going to live have through another shit-storm the next 1 to 4 years.

Lucifer told us, “I know what you are thinking! If I was truly good at my job I would have set Ted up as Dick Cheney’s favorite hunting buddy by now. But in reality, Dick can’t even leave his mansion now for fear of being shot or dragged by a pick-up truck by an Iraqi war veteran across U.S. lines to be charged as a war criminal. But I have very special plans for Ted when he gets here.  I plan to make him bunk with a singer who is basically the anti-Ted, except for being a total asshole - Pat Boone. And since Boone is a fellow Obama hater yet thinks any guy who has hair that covers their ears is a fag, he’ll be continually cursing Ted to get AIDS and die all over again.  It’s a win-win.  That should get the Motor City Madman to STFU for once. I have my hopes anyway.”

Rocker Ted Nugent Restricted to Hunting Own Head Lice (& Crabs)

Ketchikan - A District Court judge has ordered Ted Nugent to be restricted to hunting solely his own bodily varmints after he confessed to illegal black bear hunting.

The plea agreement states that the mouthy, right wing Motor City Madman illegally killed the black bear in 2009 (instead of killing the American public’s eardrums with his music) and as punishment he must now be limited to hunting his own head lice and not surprisingly - genital crabs.  And the judge also specified the use of a crossbow. 

Attorneys for Nugent didn’t return calls for comment.  However, one insider from the court proceeding told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was kind of embarrassing for Ted because he always advocates ethical hunting practices.  Of course, it wasn’t as embarrassing as when Ted opens his mouth to comment on President Obama.  Be that as it may, it was kind of a crazy sentence.  But there’s a rumor out there that it’s not as crazy as what the judge was initially considering – restricting Ted to only hunting with Dick Cheney.”