Funnyman Jim Carrey Issues Heartfelt Apology for Acting Sane

Crazy, stupid, sane...

Los Angeles – Comic actor Jim Carrey issued a very sincere apology to possible fans for acting as if he was using logic yesterday. Carrey, an outspoken gun control advocate, had himself and epic Twitter battle with actual insane people last night. There’s no word as of this writing if Carrey was drunk or just suffering from the typical Sunday night blues, which plague any employed person.

A spokesperson for the rubber-faced actor told Unsolicited Drivel, “Jim is not a bully like Alec Baldwin and he realizes that name-calling is unacceptable under any circumstances. In fact, had he had his meds right, he could have done a lot more damage to the Twitterverse. But he’s promoting his new movie ‘Kick-Ass 2,’ which I’m sure will have no senseless violence whatsoever. He’s just very sensitive after growing up in a neighborhood with gun nuts. His best friend as a teenager once he immigrated, let’s call him Adolph, was actually kicked out of the NRA for being against shooting squirrels with assault rifles after smearing peanut butter on trees. Adolph was an economics major. Why waste all that ammo when an air rifle will do?”

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Ted Nugent Attending the State of the Union Address? No Problem, According to Satan!

Don't worry sane people, I got this.  XO, Satan.

Hell – The Prince of Darkness, Satan, stated to Unsolicited Drivel today that people who are “up in arms”…(get it?) over one time rocker and now permanently mentally unhinged gun-nut Ted Nugent attending Obama’s State of the Union Address tonight should just chill already. That’s something that Satan doesn’t say lightly either – “chill.”

Rep. Steve Stockman (R) of Texas announced Monday that he didn’t believe there would be enough insane people who only cared about killing stuff (including President Obama) attending tonight's address and offered Nugent a ticket in the nose bleed seats for the President’s speech about why we are not going to live have through another shit-storm the next 1 to 4 years.

Lucifer told us, “I know what you are thinking! If I was truly good at my job I would have set Ted up as Dick Cheney’s favorite hunting buddy by now. But in reality, Dick can’t even leave his mansion now for fear of being shot or dragged by a pick-up truck by an Iraqi war veteran across U.S. lines to be charged as a war criminal. But I have very special plans for Ted when he gets here.  I plan to make him bunk with a singer who is basically the anti-Ted, except for being a total asshole - Pat Boone. And since Boone is a fellow Obama hater yet thinks any guy who has hair that covers their ears is a fag, he’ll be continually cursing Ted to get AIDS and die all over again.  It’s a win-win.  That should get the Motor City Madman to STFU for once. I have my hopes anyway.”