Fetuses May Cause U.S. Government Shutdown

Washington, DC – Negotiators are said to be almost 70% in agreement, but it’s still possible we may have a government shutdown come Saturday morning, and the fight over funding Planned Parenthood could be a major factor.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) stayed up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past his bedtime last night (7:30) arguing against “Title X,” which details funding for the family planning organization by the federal government.

Boehner told Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Republicans do not plan families.  Families are a gift from God, should he think we are deserving of them.   So, there's never a reason for abortion.   Also, it’s not any of my party’s business whether or not a woman CHOOSES to get screened in time for reproductive cancers so she doesn’t die prematurely.  So we should just bankrupt Planned Parenthood already, okay? Damn, I'm tired.”

Clearly, this Republican opposition to Planned Parenthood funding is another flagrant display of their preference for the company of unborn fetuses over humans living outside the womb.  Perhaps this fondness is because unborn fetuses cannot read a newspaper to express an opinion and speak for themselves.  However, we have some very tragic news.   As we were writing this article, we just received a report over the newswire that a pregnant woman in Boehner’s district in Ohio was kicked to death by her unborn fetus this morning upon his hearing about this government impasse over Planned Parenthood.  The non-profit organization was responsible for his prenatal care,  so the family believes he committed this heinous crime so he wouldn’t have to be born into a country seeming to consist entirely of complete boneheads and that the mother probably shouldn’t have sat so close to her TV.  Not with MSNBC on anyway.

EDITOR'S NOTE: CLICK HERE for an accurate chart of what Planned Parenthood really does.

Fetus Testimony Transfixes Ohio Lawmakers

Columbus - If Mike Huckabee had been present, he could have reminded Ohio lawmakers yesterday that unborn fetuses can grow up to be voters one day, so you better not kill’em y’all!  Instead, an Ohio pro-life group, Faith2Action, brought in a real fetus to testify for the passage of the “Heartbeat Bill.”

If passed, the “Heartbeat Bill” would be among the most restrictive abortion bills yet, prohibiting termination of a pregnancy as soon as a fetal heartbeat was detected.

Advocates for a woman’s right to choose what she can do with her own body called the Ohio ultrasound testimony a “stunt.”

However, the more conservative Ohio lawmakers disagreed and some of the remarks overheard after the hearing included:

- “More convincing as a human witness than Kato Kaelin.”
- “Even Perry Mason would cave on cross examination of that little fellah.”
- "John Grisham should put something like this in his next novel."

One Ohio lawmaker, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel:

“Sure, we could be working on legislation to create jobs with our state’s years-long, outrageously high unemployment rate, but when have you known a conservative lawmaker to pass up an opportunity to legislate lady parts? While the playing of the heartbeat in the sonogram may seem like a ‘stunt’ to those liberals, I think Faith2Action was just trying to prove that Ohio lawmakers can feel compassion, as with Speaker Boehner on the national stage representing our state, most people wouldn’t think we could do that.”