Fetuses May Cause U.S. Government Shutdown

Washington, DC – Negotiators are said to be almost 70% in agreement, but it’s still possible we may have a government shutdown come Saturday morning, and the fight over funding Planned Parenthood could be a major factor.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) stayed up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past his bedtime last night (7:30) arguing against “Title X,” which details funding for the family planning organization by the federal government.

Boehner told Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Republicans do not plan families.  Families are a gift from God, should he think we are deserving of them.   So, there's never a reason for abortion.   Also, it’s not any of my party’s business whether or not a woman CHOOSES to get screened in time for reproductive cancers so she doesn’t die prematurely.  So we should just bankrupt Planned Parenthood already, okay? Damn, I'm tired.”

Clearly, this Republican opposition to Planned Parenthood funding is another flagrant display of their preference for the company of unborn fetuses over humans living outside the womb.  Perhaps this fondness is because unborn fetuses cannot read a newspaper to express an opinion and speak for themselves.  However, we have some very tragic news.   As we were writing this article, we just received a report over the newswire that a pregnant woman in Boehner’s district in Ohio was kicked to death by her unborn fetus this morning upon his hearing about this government impasse over Planned Parenthood.  The non-profit organization was responsible for his prenatal care,  so the family believes he committed this heinous crime so he wouldn’t have to be born into a country seeming to consist entirely of complete boneheads and that the mother probably shouldn’t have sat so close to her TV.  Not with MSNBC on anyway.

EDITOR'S NOTE: CLICK HERE for an accurate chart of what Planned Parenthood really does.

Government Can’t Decide if They Want to Be Jerks or Total A-Holes This Week

Washington, DC – As a government shutdown still seems a possibility this week with little hope for compromise in sight, elected officials have still not made their intentions clear whether they want to be perceived by Americans as merely jerks, or total a-holes. 

A meeting yesterday on Capitol Hill between Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid and Republican House Speaker John Boehner with President Obama led to no progress on the budget impasse, as Obama refrained from knocking the lawmakers’ heads together like coconuts*, while they might have proven to be of equal use had the President just snapped them clean off and saved them as balls for his next game of hoops.

So what’s the hold up?  We asked our political analyst who told us:

“Republicans want to solve the budget crisis by being total a-holes and killing old people by dismantling Medicare and Medicaid while still giving billions of tax breaks to Big Oil, and the Democrats want to solve the budget crisis, but the jerks are offering no real solutions that would result in a bipartisan compromise - at least not any solutions that would allow the government to kill poor people by ending social services. The GOP can’t operate without that possibility.  So it’s looking very likely they will remain in a stalemate and the government will shut down.  The American people, whose wallets will begin to drain again as a result, will blame the Republicans just like they did back in 1995, and the Democrats will surge in popularity once again as the lesser of the two evils.  As soon as the economy has rebounded, expect the GOP to find a way to convince America that it really hasn’t, as the GOP will be unable to give their cronies enough money in tax breaks to keep them quiet , and then cycle of the political party power shift will repeat itself.  Hopefully next time around, the GOP will leave out the extra-added unnecessary and/or illegal wars in their game plan to dupe Americans.”


*Like they grow in his birth state of Hawaii, which is located the U.S. of A.