GOP Goes to “Town” in Debt Ceiling Crisis With Ben Affleck Movie

We're going to hurt...Americans!

Washington, DC – As the default crisis looms on August 2nd, The Washington Post is reporting that GOP leadership played a clip from the Ben Affleck movie The Town in a meeting last night to rally support for Speaker Boehner’s budget plan.

In the clip, the bank robber played by Affleck tells his accomplice, “I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is. You can never ask me about it later. And we’re going to hurt some people.”

While hurting American folks is nothing new to the Republican party (see: wars, pollution, siding with insurance companies, stripping social services, creating tax-cuts driving America into record-breaking deficits), we were still kind of surprised they would let it be known that they were using a violent movie about lawlessness as a motivator to get the job done instead of say, a Zig Zilar or Dale Carnegie tape.

Unsolicited Drivel reached out to an anonymous source on the Hill for comment who told us, “I was surprised too at their choice to reveal their plans for blatant thievery by screening The Town, but I’m sure my surprise was not nearly a great as Ben Affleck's as he's a very vocal critic of the right.  Of course, it’s not likely they will take Ben’s suggestion of using his movie The Company Men as an inspirational piece as it’s all about how they ruined the economy leading to an unprecedented number of lay-offs and Boehner’s new plan will likely create more poverty than the Great Depression and the current recession combined.  Anyhow, I’m just relieved considering some of the self-hating, sexually repressed ilk in our party that the media didn’t catch the actor’s GOP fans watching Jimmy Kimmel’s I’m F**cking Ben Affleck video instead."

Speaker Boehner Didn’t Get the Memo About Having to Work Closely With the President

Washington, DC – Speaker of the House John Boehner was overheard by a CBS News reporter last night grumbling, "I didn't sign up for going mano-a-mano with the President of the United States.”  This complaint was in regard to the “dangerous game” he’s playing according to Obama over the debt ceiling negotiations and leaves the American public wondering, “then what the F did you sign up for Mr. Boehner?”

Unsolicited Drivel asked an aide close to the Speaker to tell us in confidence just what Rep. Boehner did sign up for.  They told us, “I can't say I know for sure.  I am a little surprised that he didn’t realize that the Speaker of the House would have to work one-on-one with the President regularly.  I even had to do a MapQuest for him to find the Oval Office.   I guess when a person’s mind is consumed with perpetuating the illusion that one will create jobs* just to get elected, hosting fundraisers, playing golf, pressing the flesh with lobbyists to line one’s own pocket, figuring out the quickest way to drive every American who’s not one of your cronies into poverty, protecting the right to life of fetuses until they are born and then become voters and frying one’s brain in a tanning booth, a Speaker doesn’t have time to read their job description.  Again, I’m just guessing, mind you.  I could be wrong.  But in that case it would have to be because Boehner’s delusional, and I don’t think he’d be able to get corporate America to hand him as much money as he gets regularly on a silver platter if he was bat-shit crazy."

*200 Days in: 1.9 million jobs killed and zero jobs created.

Fetuses May Cause U.S. Government Shutdown

Washington, DC – Negotiators are said to be almost 70% in agreement, but it’s still possible we may have a government shutdown come Saturday morning, and the fight over funding Planned Parenthood could be a major factor.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) stayed up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past his bedtime last night (7:30) arguing against “Title X,” which details funding for the family planning organization by the federal government.

Boehner told Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Republicans do not plan families.  Families are a gift from God, should he think we are deserving of them.   So, there's never a reason for abortion.   Also, it’s not any of my party’s business whether or not a woman CHOOSES to get screened in time for reproductive cancers so she doesn’t die prematurely.  So we should just bankrupt Planned Parenthood already, okay? Damn, I'm tired.”

Clearly, this Republican opposition to Planned Parenthood funding is another flagrant display of their preference for the company of unborn fetuses over humans living outside the womb.  Perhaps this fondness is because unborn fetuses cannot read a newspaper to express an opinion and speak for themselves.  However, we have some very tragic news.   As we were writing this article, we just received a report over the newswire that a pregnant woman in Boehner’s district in Ohio was kicked to death by her unborn fetus this morning upon his hearing about this government impasse over Planned Parenthood.  The non-profit organization was responsible for his prenatal care,  so the family believes he committed this heinous crime so he wouldn’t have to be born into a country seeming to consist entirely of complete boneheads and that the mother probably shouldn’t have sat so close to her TV.  Not with MSNBC on anyway.

EDITOR'S NOTE: CLICK HERE for an accurate chart of what Planned Parenthood really does.

Government Can’t Decide if They Want to Be Jerks or Total A-Holes This Week

Washington, DC – As a government shutdown still seems a possibility this week with little hope for compromise in sight, elected officials have still not made their intentions clear whether they want to be perceived by Americans as merely jerks, or total a-holes. 

A meeting yesterday on Capitol Hill between Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid and Republican House Speaker John Boehner with President Obama led to no progress on the budget impasse, as Obama refrained from knocking the lawmakers’ heads together like coconuts*, while they might have proven to be of equal use had the President just snapped them clean off and saved them as balls for his next game of hoops.

So what’s the hold up?  We asked our political analyst who told us:

“Republicans want to solve the budget crisis by being total a-holes and killing old people by dismantling Medicare and Medicaid while still giving billions of tax breaks to Big Oil, and the Democrats want to solve the budget crisis, but the jerks are offering no real solutions that would result in a bipartisan compromise - at least not any solutions that would allow the government to kill poor people by ending social services. The GOP can’t operate without that possibility.  So it’s looking very likely they will remain in a stalemate and the government will shut down.  The American people, whose wallets will begin to drain again as a result, will blame the Republicans just like they did back in 1995, and the Democrats will surge in popularity once again as the lesser of the two evils.  As soon as the economy has rebounded, expect the GOP to find a way to convince America that it really hasn’t, as the GOP will be unable to give their cronies enough money in tax breaks to keep them quiet , and then cycle of the political party power shift will repeat itself.  Hopefully next time around, the GOP will leave out the extra-added unnecessary and/or illegal wars in their game plan to dupe Americans.”


*Like they grow in his birth state of Hawaii, which is located the U.S. of A.

Fetus Testimony Transfixes Ohio Lawmakers

Columbus - If Mike Huckabee had been present, he could have reminded Ohio lawmakers yesterday that unborn fetuses can grow up to be voters one day, so you better not kill’em y’all!  Instead, an Ohio pro-life group, Faith2Action, brought in a real fetus to testify for the passage of the “Heartbeat Bill.”

If passed, the “Heartbeat Bill” would be among the most restrictive abortion bills yet, prohibiting termination of a pregnancy as soon as a fetal heartbeat was detected.

Advocates for a woman’s right to choose what she can do with her own body called the Ohio ultrasound testimony a “stunt.”

However, the more conservative Ohio lawmakers disagreed and some of the remarks overheard after the hearing included:

- “More convincing as a human witness than Kato Kaelin.”
- “Even Perry Mason would cave on cross examination of that little fellah.”
- "John Grisham should put something like this in his next novel."

One Ohio lawmaker, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel:

“Sure, we could be working on legislation to create jobs with our state’s years-long, outrageously high unemployment rate, but when have you known a conservative lawmaker to pass up an opportunity to legislate lady parts? While the playing of the heartbeat in the sonogram may seem like a ‘stunt’ to those liberals, I think Faith2Action was just trying to prove that Ohio lawmakers can feel compassion, as with Speaker Boehner on the national stage representing our state, most people wouldn’t think we could do that.”

Speaker Boehner to Preach to Insurance Industry Choir

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) has been confirmed to deliver the keynote address for the Independent Insurance Agents & Brokers of America at their annual conference.  IIABA is a powerful lobbying group that will have a strong influence over health care reform on Capitol Hill.

The timing of the announcement seems appropriate given the Republican House voting to repeal Obama’s health care bill just last week.   But Boehner’s decision to speak before the IIABA seems like an extremely partisan move to us when our lawmakers have assured us they would be working more diligently to find middle ground while putting America's best interests first.  It also doesn’t seem like an event like this conference would present an opportunity for the Speaker to cry on camera, so what gives?
 
Unsolicited Drivel spoke with an official at IIABA for comment who told us:

“John Boehner has been a long time friend of small business owners, big business owners, really any business with potential for huge economic growth due to operating unregulated.  Oh, you’ll have to excuse me.  I’ve got to run.  That beeping noise means the Brinks Truck has arrived and is backing into our loading dock to deliver John’s speaking fee.”

Republicans Fail to Burn NPR’s Powdermilk Biscuits

Washington, DC - The Republican campaign to strip National Public Radio of their whole “public” angle by removing federal funding has been defeated today.  For the time being. 

The proposal, the first from the GOP’s carefully branded “YouCut” website (“You,” as in you who are wealthy enough to afford computers,  not you homeless people who log on at the library who don’t even have radios either), was sponsored by Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-CO) and would have terminated all taxpayer funding for NPR, supposedly saving tens of millions of dollars the GOP could give back to the rich if their Bush tax cut extensions were defeated.

Democrats put the kibosh on the GOP’s latest publicity grab, voting 239-171 to close debate on NPR and move on without voting on the proposal all in an effort to get to the airport for the holidays sooner rather than later to have their genitals groped by security.

In order to make a case for stripping NPR’s federal funding and to stand up for shamed former commentator Juan Williams, House Minority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) stood up on the House floor and said, “Juan Williams has eaten plenty of crow over his remarks about being scared of people dressed like Mohammeds in the airports that we told Americans to be scared of, but we wanted to ensure with the defeat of NPR that at least he’d never have to eat that Turducken they won't stop reporting on again.”

Williams has since moved on to Fox to become a commentator after his dismissal from NPR, where in the future, he will only need to eat whatever line of bullshit propaganda his management team feeds him.

It will be interesting to see what other federally funded items conservative voters log on to defeat on the “YouCut” website in the future.  However, it’s safe to say that they won’t be voting to cut Bristol Palin from Dancing with the Stars.