Cat Turns Out to be Not Such a Furry Asshole After All

Baltimore, MD – A local woman stricken with the flu this week, was pleasantly surprised by the behavior of a long time pet she had casually written off last fall as being a “furry asshole.” Linda Black offered, “Toon, my tabby, has hardly given me the time of day in years. I couldn’t imagine when she'd next deign to sit on my lap again. Certainly not if it would interfere with her loving relationship with the UPS overnight express box that’s been sitting in the dining room since Thanksgiving. They say that pets can tell when you’re sick and will look after you, but I never really paid much attention to that old wives tale. Unfortunately, since they don’t make life-size prophylactics in the latest fashionable colors, and I am unable to give myself a ‘Silkwood’ style shower every night in Purell™ after work, I was unable to escape the latest flu epidemic that plagued the skanks down at my office. You know it would be cool if she were smart enough to figure out how to empty my barf bag, but just the fact that she always seems to know when it’s time to stand on my stomach kneading her paws to block the TV when Ellen DeGeneres is on it dancing is worth the price of eleven years worth of intensely crappy smelling Fancy Feast alone.”