John Edwards Confirms Hey May Be the Biggest Dick to Ever Run for President

RALEIGH, N.C. — Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards has confirmed this week what the voting public has known all along – it takes a dick of near unimaginable magnitude to lie about fathering a child with some slag on your payroll during a presidential campaign while renewing wedding vows in the very same year with your cancer-stricken wife after 30 years of marriage.  “I am Quinn’s father,” the former senator finally confirmed as the tot’s second birthday quickly approaches.  “It was wrong for me to ever deny she was my daughter,” he added further.  However, he had no comments to answer the charges of dickishness leveled against him.  Frances Quinn was born in February 2008, so if we do the math, that means she was conceived in mid 2007, some months after her mother, Rielle Hunter, left his employ.  This is a bit of a disappointment as that means we don’t get to also add the moniker “whoremaster” after his name.  A former Edward’s aide, Andrew Young, initially paid to claim paternity, is scheduled to release a tell-all book on February 2nd.   Some say this was the incentive behind Edwards coming clean on the paternity at long last.  Others believe the reason was because Quinn kept getting put into time out in daycare due to her incessant nonsensical ramblings about there being two Americas in an irritatingly slow southern drawl when it was supposed to “quiet time.”