Check Your Excess Baggage ‘Cause Valentine’s Day is Just Around the Corner!

U.S. of A. – The third break-up is far behind you and your ex, so why haven’t you met anyone worthy of a Brazilian bikini wax? Was the last time you clicked with someone was when you zapped that hobo who was blocking the Falafel stand with your illegal taser gun?  As usual, the only one who doesn’t get it (or any for that matter) is probably you! Instead of working your ex out of your system, you’re probably just regurgitating the past. So can you still get primed for some brand spanking new emotional fireworks this upcoming holiday? Here are some handy tips:

1. Take His Name Out of Your Vocabulary – While it’s important to badmouth your ex with girlfriends, or for even better emotional support, with gay guys if you’re also a fag hag, you don’t still want to be haranguing about him six months down the line. Try and gouge his name entirely right out of your glossary. Don’t, for instance, ever find yourself thinking, “I wonder what Brad would think about me putting on my pants one leg at a time even though that’s what I had been doing for my whole entire life but nobody ever noticed before Brad and…shit, I am doing it again!

2. Shed Any Signs of Him – Toss the photo booth strips, the stuffed winged monkey and the bandage from the tattoo of his name that became infected and bury in them a time capsule in the backyard. Leave your Blackberry inside so you can dig it up after calling yourself to remind you to feel like a loser.

3. Remove Even More Painful Reminders – Some things you can’t toss out of the window of a speeding car or bury in the neighbor's yard. Like memories of the first time he said, “I love you” after that armed robbery at the FarmFresh. Face it - you’re going to get weepy every time you see a fried chicken breast. It’s okay to remember it fleetingly, but be sure to jam a plastic fork into your arm so the memory won’t overstay its welcome.



4. Engage in Derogatory Daydreams – We always seem to look back on just the good times. Why not try reminiscing about the first time he made you sign for a FedEx package filled with coke at the airport that his wife sent up from her vacation in Ft. Lauderdale? Don’t forget how gracious he was to let his nice friend, the diamond thief, who was also wanted for tax evasion drive the getaway car too!



Remember... there’s no quick fix to heal your wounds, and besides, as the wise sage Carrie Princess Leia Organa Fisher once said, “The problem with instant gratification is it takes too long.”