Daily Nationwide Commuter Gridlock Finally Traced to One Jerk-Off Driver

Silver Spring, MD - Millions of Americans spend at least 700,000 hours of homicidal fantasy-inducing delays in traffic each year. Until recently, we all probably thought it was due to that jerk-off in front of us who wouldn’t stop changing lanes to advance a measly, stinking five yards at a time to get nowhere fast, as opposed to meeting his untimely death for our viewing pleasure. Well, actually... it WAS due to that jerk-off. That is, if that jerk-off was Howard Heffrin of the Washington, DC suburbs. The American Highway Driver’s Association recently released findings of a study that concluded that every day after Mr. Heffrin leaves at 4:45 am for his 90-minute commute to his job as a systems analyst at Suchovia First Financial Integration National, he begins changing lanes incessantly, despite the fact that hardly anyone else is on the road at that hour. If he’s also eaten his breakfast of Mountain Dew and M&Ms, by 5:15 am the congestion is guaranteed to have started to build from I-495 to I-95 north to Boston, south to Miami, I-70 West to Chicago and onward to Houston and then finally to Los Angeles. So, you can stop wanting to kill that prick that cut you off in the Lexus on your way to work because Heffrin, ironically enough, drives a Smart Car.