Faux Workplace Friend Turns Out To Be Bigger Loser Than Initially Thought

Springfield, OH – A local office worker confirmed yesterday that some guy she works with and exchanged witty banter with for a couple of years, turned out to be just another asstard. Lisa Lawson offered, “you know how everybody at work is pretty much a total phony, and you just kind of have to pick out the ones that you think are less fake to be friendly with? Not that I’m here to make friends, don’t get me wrong. But it’s no fun to make fun of other people if you don’t have somebody to offer your observations to. So I’m bored out of my gourd when I first fall into this shit hole, and then after about a year and a half, Jeremy comes along, totally irreverent and absolutely no chance at all he’ll evolve into an ass-kisser. My kind of man. So when he calls in sick on Monday, I just assume he’s got a ‘bottle virus,’ which seems to be an acceptable excuse for sickness in my office for anyone under 35. I guess those of us over 35 are supposed to take Paxil with an Abilify chaser and just suck it. Then later, somebody else from Jeremy’s department who was at a lunch meeting with a client called me and said she'd just run into him at the bar at Hops City Brewing Company and then she immediately texted his boss too to share the good news. What a nimrod! And what are people going to think about me for hanging out with him all this time? Unbelievable. You know, I really liked him.  If I had finally decided to try and pull a bank heist because of this economy, I would have wanted that self-serving little bastard in my gang of thieves. Then again, I think I might still include him, but I’d definitely have to shoot him on the way to the getaway car.”