Tiger Finally Comes Out of His Lair

85 Days after the car crash on Thanksgiving night, Tiger Woods finally broke his silence regarding the incident that thrust (tee! hee!) him on to the front pages of every tabloid. No questions from the press were allowed.  He did look like he hadn’t slept since Thanksgiving, so we will give him points for that.  Here is a brief synopsis of his speech, like you couldn’t make it up yourself:

You have good reason to be critical of me…blah, blah, blibbity blah….I want to say simply and directly I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior….People want to know how I could have done these things….I have always tried to be private person….Elin has pointed out the real apology will not come in the form of words (but in how few women I bang in the future)….blah, blah, blah…He has let down his fans and friends and those who work for him…(Interesting point – a lot of peoples’ livelihoods depend on him keeping it zipped)….blah, blah, blah….He has made people question who is and he’s embarrassed about that….(but he should be more embarrassed that he had to use his wife’s name 14 times during a press conference)….For all that he has done, he is so sorry and has a lot to atone for.  (No shit.  He’s basically hurt everyone.  Not his father though, because he's dead and also was an alleged cheater.)  He behaved like an entitled bastard (news flash!).  Paparazzi are evil.  He used to not be a douche and observed Buddhist teachings.  Most importantly, Elin never attacked him.  (Not only is this a disappointment for obvious reasons, this news also disappoints as it means that the only skit that the token black guy on SNL was in that was funny this season is no longer funny.)  More treatment, more therapy… More treatment, more therapy… More treatment, more therapy, etc.

Good luck with all of that and see you in the funny papers!