"10" - New n' Improved

In light of the Easter holiday, which Jesus H. Christ died for so you could paint eggs, drink beer, watch basketball, and eat "Heavenly Ham," we at Unsolicited Drivel felt it was time to show our appreciation of “H” by issuing a refresh of those time honored but oh-so-tired 10 commandments.  You remember - the ones Gawd gave to Moses right before he made him addled in the head so that it took him 40 years to work his way out of the desert (and BTW what did he drink for that time, after all, it was a f***in’ DESERT). So here it is, an updated list of the main rules for all mankind, adjusted to fit in with the post-Lindsay-Jesse-Gaga-Ratzinger-Wide-Stance-Overexposed-Media era:


1)    Thou Shalt Not Grill – as we know, grilling introduces all sorts of carcinogens into food. Consider steaming instead, or perhaps suicide.

2)    Thou Shalt Not Squeal –  don’t whistleblow on your bank’s illegal deals, make ‘em pay you to keep your mouth shut.

3)    Thou Shall Have No Gravy Images of Me – unless you see Christ in the gravy, in which case it’s time to alert the media and start charging for access.

4)    Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Until the Book Deal is Lined Up.

5)    Honor Thy Father and Mother -  unless they don’t deserve it, in which case fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

6)    Don’t Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife - unless you’re on “Wife Swap” and need to improve the ratings.

7)    Thou Shall Keep Thy Fucking Mouth Shut and the Fucking Phones Off in the Movies - Lest Lightning Strike Thee.

8)    Thou Shalt Not Hold Up Paying Customers At The Liquor Store With Thy Annoying and Very Specific Lotto Requests Which Thou Must Repeatest 4 or 5 Times Before the Clerk Gets It Right Because Thou Mumblest Like a Motherfucker and He Cannoteth Understandeth Thee.

9)    Limiteth Thy Internet Porn Searching to One-eth or Two-eth Hours Per Day.

10)   Thou Shalt Not Screw Little Boys - unless thou art a priest


Posted by: GMan