School Lunches Bigger Threat Than Terrorists!

Washington, DC  – School lunches have been called many things – carbo-loaded diabetes-delights, heart attacks on a plate, vile and disgusting, ketchup - but now a retired group of military officers believe that they could even be a threat to national security.  Yes, the same men and women who were forced to eat “shit on a shingle” and all sorts of “mystery meat” during their tours of duty, believe our youngins’ will either never make it to a tour of duty (because they can’t afford college), or if they do, be essentially useless to defend democracy in the free world.  

One officer remarked, “It’s like they say, you are what you eat.  Fructose Frankie or Transfatty Patty are never going to be able to drop and give me 20.  They’ll never meet our military’s physical fitness standards, and we’ve lowered the bar pretty far.  Basically, we thought we would be willing to accept anybody who could simply hold up a shirt, but it’s become more complicated than that.  The school lunch program Congress established after WWII was supposed to halt stunted growth that made some kids unfit for duty.   But I suppose they could have planned things a good bit better than they did.  Or, at least maybe paid attention.  Obese recruits are not going to be able to fit under a vehicle to disable a car bomb and it seems like the need for that type of work is going to be pretty regular here on in.  If they got enough exercise at school, it might not be such a problem, but with government cuts in school P.E. programs, the only exercise some of these kids get is texting.  And carpal tunnel syndrome will make even an Army desk job out of the question.”