Catching Up With Elena Kagan

Washington, DC - As a surprise to almost no one, President Obama named his Solicitor General, Elena Kagan, as his Supreme Court pick yesterday to replace Justice Stevens upon his retirement.

It is unclear yet whether the Republicans will make the confirmation process a huge chore. For those of us who believe she may be “George W. Bush Light in a Pantsuit,” we think it will be pretty much smooth sailing. However, we're also sure it will be a big ass bore.

Much ado has been made about Kagan being too much of a “clean slate,” as she never has actually spent any time on the bench. Reminder, justices do not have to have previous experience on the bench. They don’t even have to be lawyers. President Obama could pick a crazy guy outside of Union Station with a marble for a glass eye who sells imaginary flowers if he wants to, and we all know the GOP seems pretty okay with crazy.

So, as a service so our readers don’t have to sit through the boring confirmation hearing on CSPAN, when they could be watching the best judge, Judy, we thought we would catch up with Ms. Kagan and ask the really important questions.

UD: You’ve said yourself that Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings are “a vapid and hollow charade," so if it’s okay with you, we’d like to ask you some questions that are actually on behalf of the American people and not a bunch of grumpy old white guys.

Ms. Kagan: Of course.

UD: If the Republicans try to get you on anything, it will be over their accusation that you are an anti-military zealot and broke the law in defying the “Solomon Amendment” by not letting recruiters on campus while you were at Harvard.

Ms. Kagan: I followed the law and I did allow students to see recruiters, despite “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” causing me great distress being a moral injustice of the first order. Could you possibly ask me some hollow or vapid questions?

UD: Okay. Is it true that you had inappropriate sexual relations with Goldman Sachs?

Ms. Kagan: I was a consultant for Goldman Sachs.

UD: Same difference.

Ms. Kagan: Really?

UD: Is it true that if I ask you a question on Roe v. Wade or gay marriage, you will give me a response like, “I believe I have never offered an opinion on the subject.”

Ms. Kagan: Absof#%kinglutely.

UD: Do you really like to hold terrorist suspects indefinitely with only a snowball’s chance in hell of them ever having a trial date?

Ms. Kagan: Next question.

UD: Okay then, on to more important questions. Paper or plastic?

Ms. Kagan: Plastic, but I make a concentrated effort to recycle.

UD: Coke or Pepsi?

Ms. Kagan: Coke, of course.

UD: With our without pubic h…

Ms. Kagan: NEXT!!!

UD: Is it true that playing softball is one of your favorite pastimes?

Ms. Kagan: Yes, that’s correct.

UD: One last question then. Ginger or Mary Ann?

Ms. Kagan: (Blank stare)