What Are You Doing With Your Poison Lettuce?

It seems like every day we can pick up a newspaper (in cities where they’re still sold) to find out the food inspectors have been asleep at the wheel again and another everyday common item is tainted with poo, or as the scientists like call it: E-coli.

This week it’s Romaine lettuce.  That’s a double whammy as not only is it one of the lettuces highest in nutritional value (Unlike Iceberg, which is the nutritional equivalent of, well, eating an iceberg.), but it’s also a staple in the popular Julius Caesar Salad.  Et tu, E-coli?

Officials who are supposed to protect us from exploding colons and death by dehydration are insisting that none of the recalled lettuce was sold at grocery stores, but as the saying goes, “Better Safe than Sorry With a Sore Ass.”

You could certainly cook it until it reaches the temperature of the face of the Sun to get rid of the bacteria, but it would be kind of wilty.  So, we asked readers for some creative ideas to avoid wasting their heads of lettuce and here is what they say they are planning to do:

• Using the leaves as cruelty-free fans instead of ostrich feathers in burlesque act to the song “Lettuce Entertain You.”

• Leaving it in the crisper for that “Bad Ronald” type guy we’re pretty convinced is living behind the drywall.

• Bringing back the Burger King “Hold the Pickle Hold the Lettuce” jingle and have it sung by Snooki’s ex-boyfriends in the commercial.

• Renaming it “Sea Lettuce” and trying to use it all up to clog cracks in exploding oil well.

• Finally getting wid of the wascally wabbit wonce and for all.