Government Got the Memo: Spill Disaster Was Likely

Washington, DC - The National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration urged the federal government to drastically cut back their plains for oil and gas drilling offshore last September.  Their recommended safeguards, if followed, would have significantly reduced the number of oil tracks in order to safeguard fisheries, marine mammals and coastal populations.

So what went wrong?  Were the NOAA warnings just brushed aside or did they use one of those incomprehensible Powerpoint presentations like the Army uses for the war in Afghanistan?  Memos, at least in government, can be overly wordy to read if you already have a busy day ahead of you, like in the case of:

“Bin Laden determined to attack.”

How come they seem to keep missing the threats of these truly catastrophic events like hurricanes, terrorist attacks, oil spills, etc?  Don’t they have the cable TV in the White House? 

In the interest of preventing future soul-crushing sadness for our country, and taking into account  that our government officials are waaaaaay too busy to read a memo apparently, we propose the following warning system that they could very easily receive and comprehend on their PDAs.

Terrorist attack eminent as already confirmed on FaceBook.

Impending flu pandemic without sufficient vaccine supply.

Wall Street is causing the economy to meltdown in a free-fall again.

Maybe Stephen Hawking is actually on to something and we shouldn't try to poach natural resources?

An environmental disaster is approaching and may turn many lifeforms into mutants.

Midterm elections are right around the corner so you better start pretending to care again.