Times Square Misses a Date to Detonate

NEW YORK — Police found what they are describing as an “amateurish” but potentially lethal bomb that apparently began to smoke in Times Square last night. Thousands of tourists were cleared from the streets for about 10 hours after police were alerted to the smoking SUV. 

Police were quick to respond to the threat, but the real credit belongs to the watchful T-shirt salesman who took time out from pestering tourists to save the day by reporting the smoldering Nissan.  There is no word whether the vehicle’s “check engine” light was also on, which is typical of the model.   An NYPD spokesperson offered, “we can’t thank Mr. Azridicis Pjukzyenckdididaksjfhki enough for his quick response.  It really helps our busy department that there’s a hawker trying to sell something to unwitting visitors roughly every 2.5 feet along Broadway. 

When asked about the assessment of the bomb being “amateurish,” he offered this, “well, very simply, it didn’t detonate.  Probably whoever built it got instructions off of the Internet, possibly on eHow.  Initially, we didn’t consider it terrorism as there was no potential for the bomber to incinerate his genitals, but we are now reconsidering it.”

The potentially lethal incident occurred on one of the busiest nights of the week in the theater district outside of the “Lion King” theater.  Actress Lucy Liu, perhaps channeling her character Alex from “Charlie’s Angels,” left the theater where she was performing to investigate at the scene.  Oprah Winfrey was also in town to see “Fela,” but it is doubtful that she was the target as her recent interview subject, shameless mistress, Rielle Hunter, is not likely to be familiar with any form of explosives other than what it takes to blow up a family unit.