Angelina Jolie Thwarts Terrorism!!

Islamabad — Angelina Jolie has proven herself a hero on and off screen as of yesterday! The 35-year old actress has spoken out against (condemned to holy Hell) the Florida church that is threatening to burn the Quran on September 11th.

"I have hardly the words that somebody would do that to somebody's religious book," Jolie told reporters in Islamabad.

Unsolicited Drivel asked an unnamed terrorist for comment and he told us, “It is true, we were considering an attack in the town of Gainesville, Florida, but when the full-lipped actress speaks out, we listen.  Lips are very important in our culture as they are one of the few parts of a woman’s body we can see with any regularity.”

When reached for comment, General Petraeus said, “Thank goodness for Angelina.  Now I don’t have to worry about terrorism in the U.S. and can go back to pretending to make progress in an unwinnable war until I retire.”

Jolie has been in Pakistan to bring awareness to their national crisis after record flooding as a goodwill ambassador the for U.N.’s refugee agency.  It became vital that the actress make the trip because a flood doesn’t have the same cache as an earthquake as you cannot pull anybody out of a river alive days after the tragedy for the cable TV news.