Pope Okay with Rubbers Now

Vatican City - The Catholic Church changes its mind a lot.  For example, if you ate meat on Friday in say, the 1950s, you would go to holy hell to burn for all eternity, but now you could probably get away with scarfing down a McRib on Good Friday.  Well, maybe not on Good Friday.  Or, speaking of burning (but not in hell), the church now allows cremation.  So, it was only a matter of time before they caved on allowing birth control, right?

Pope Benedict XVI will never be called a progressive, but he’s finally decided that the notion of people using a condom, is preferable to them getting and spreading HIV. A Vatican spokesperson said that Benedict said he wasn't restricting his remarks to men: "It's the first step of taking responsibility, of taking into consideration the risk of the life of another with whom you have a relationship."  Which is good – because that means the Pope realizes that women like to have sex with men too, and they can't give birth to healthy altar boys when they get married if they have AIDS.

The Church’s medieval views on sexuality make it hard to believe that this turnabout is genuine and that they have committed to a more modern way of thinking.   We asked our Vatican insider, Cardinal Scungilli Fungi, for comment on the condom news.  He told us, “Oh, yes, the Pontiff is serious about spreading the use of condoms, not AIDS. But we figure, we better do some marketing and branding to get the word out and partner with a condom manufacturer too so we get a cut of the profits.  Gold chalices and golden parachutes for speedy priest retirements don’t come cheap, you know?  So far, his Holiness has nixed the following names we came up with for flavored styles:

o    Body of Christ
o    Mary Magdalube
o    Cherry Herod
o    Pillar of Salt

He finally agreed to partner with the Trojan™ Company, but they wouldn’t let him name the condom “Heaven and Hell,” like he wanted to so he had to settle for “Fire & Ice.”