Tucker Carlson Would Have Put Michael Vick to Sleep

New York - If disgraced broadcaster Tucker Carlson had his way, he would take Michael Vick to the pound to let them put him down. Filling in for Fox News' Sean Hannity last night, Carlson let his audience know that “Michael Vick should have been executed.”

For you cat people reading, Vick is the disgraced former Atlanta Falcons quarterback, now with the Philadelphia Eagles, who served prison time for running a notoriously inhumane dog fighting ring. President Obama’s recent “thank you” to the Eagles’ coach for giving Vick a second chance has thrust this very dark part of the NFL’s history back into the harsh spotlight.

While we can scratch our heads about the President’s gesture all day long, as is typical, Carlson followed the Fox doctrine to a “t’ by making it seem like a personal attack on all Americans. We can all go sleepy, sleepy now and dream of a President who is “beyond the pale.” Hey, is that some sort of racist crack?

We didn’t think it appropriate for cable TV pundits to be judge, jury and executioner for Americans, even if they are hideously evil dicks, so we checked with our media analyst for comment on Carlson.

U.D.: “Good morning, unnamed media analyst.  Why do you think about Tucker Carlson's comments about Michael Vick?”

Media Analyst: “We can argue about Michael Vick’s second chance until we are out of breath. As someone who enjoys animals more than people, I could have easily let my entire family holiday be ruined over the subject matter with the NFL fans in my clan. If I was an irresponsible pundit on an emotionally manipulative network like Fox, I do admit I’d have restrain myself from encouraging my viewers to do the exact same thing to Michael Vick that he did to those dogs. But I have worked in journalism and Fox is entirely opinion.  Since we are examining opinions, I’m quite shocked that Carlson’s able to even get work. Between being ignorant enough to think he could go toe to toe with Jon Stewart intellectually, and sending fake emails posing as Keith Olbermann, it’s really beyond me how he’s on the air. My guess is that Fox just needed someone to fill in for Hannity that they could feel their audience would be comfortable with – a guy with a full head of hair who was in favor of the death penalty.”