GOP Abortion Bill Too Crazy Even for Crazies

Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ) and Speaker Boehner (R-OH).

Washington, DC – The Republican controlled Congress may be trying to show Americans they are taking a “new and improved” hard line on morality, but their latest abortion bill, H.R. 3, has proven to be too extreme even for extremists. 

The bill, designed to clearly define restrictions on abortion in cases of rape and incest, has provisions requiring that the rape must be proven to be “forcible” and the incest cases for abortion will only include those victims under the age of 18.  The bill also takes into account the mother’s physical health, but pays no mind if she flips her lid due to being mentally unstable.

According to the mainstream media, the Right to Life movement has been uncharacteristically silent over the controversial bill so far.

Unsolicited Drivel contacted the most extreme pro-life group we could think of, Fetuses Before Females, for comment and their spokesperson, Leviticus Jones, told us:

“Certainly, there are parts of the bill that we’re okay with.  We’re not concerned if the mother is crazy as there’s always a chance that the fetus will develop into a sane person who can help us spread the word of Jesus.  We also don’t have a problem with restricting abortion for incest victims over 18, as we would never want America to pay for an abortion for someone, like, say,  MacKenzie Phillips – even though it would be the spawn of the Devil she was carrying.  It’s the ‘forcible’ rape requirement we have an issue with. The very first definition of rape in the dictionary states, ‘an act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.’ While we don’t approve of abortion of any kind, we are also no fans of people we now feel duped into electing that can’t even read an American dictionary. Due to this failing, I can only assume that these GOP lawmakers attended the same caliber of school that failed to educate Minnesota’s Rep. Michele Bachmann. A very unsettling thought indeed.”