Wal-Mart Can’t Starve or Sleep Deprive Workers Anymore

Always crappy treatment.

New York/Chicago – In a shocking blow to big box retailers who treat their workers like robots everywhere, a Superior Court struck down Wal-Mart Stores appeal of most of the $187.6 million verdict against them brought by their human employees.

The case was brought by Wal-Mart workers and alleged that from 1998-2006 they were denied meal and rest breaks, and instead were forced to work with an equine-style feed bag strapped on their faces with a Mountain Dew drip inserted in their arms and their eyes propped open with Pixy Stix*.

The three-judge panel that reviewed the case concluded that Wal-Mart’s practices violated employment laws (kind of like in countries where livestock are treated better than human workers) and revealed that Wal-Mart’s own internal review uncovered violations regarding “off-the-clock” work.

Wal-Mart had denied the allegations all along stating "We're committed to paying our associates for every hour they work (well, the dudes anyway) and to providing them with meal and rest breaks."

We spoke with an insider at the company, literally the opposite of a whistle-blower, who told us, “Obviously, we’re going to have to go back to the drawing board for new ideas in order to screw our workers to increase profits. I wouldn’t be surprised if the company brass has already set up a conference call with the evil Koch Brothers to hire them on as consultants.”

*Allegedly.