Quran Burning Pastor Launches Presidential Bid

Gainesville, FL – He may not hold the appeal for right wingnuts of a gay-hating Fred Phelps, or recurring Rapture predictor Harold Camping, but the Pastor Terry Jones, most famous for threatening to burn the Quran and then chickening out*, has tossed his halo into the GOP 2012 presidential race.

A spokesperson for Pastor Jones, also named Jones, Deacon Jones, told us, “God created the earth in 7 days and Terry has a seven step plan to save the U.S.of A.  In addition to the plan, we’ve noticed that Americans haven’t had a President with oddly styled facial hair since Chester Arthur back in the 1880’s and Terry’s even willing to add muttonchops to the mix to seal the deal.  

Unsolicited Drivel decided to take a good look at Jones’ plan for our readers and asked the Deacon some more questions.

U.D.: So, Deacon.  May I call you Deacon?  Your first priority is to stop spending immediately.  How to you plan to do that and maintain infrastructure?

D.J.: When we say stop spending immediately, we mean to do so symbolically.  Like that “Buy Nothing Day” those hippies have the day after Thanksgiving.  Maybe just for Inauguration Day. Either that, or we’ll close the banks briefly to just to make a point.

U.D.: Good luck with that.  And how are you going to balance the budget?  Our current government filled with millionaires, whom one would think are expert at holding on to money while screwing others,  hasn’t even been able to do that.

D.J.: We have a very frugal parishioner in our congregation who always runs the bake sale.  She knows a great deal about making ends meet.  Her gooseberry pie is to die for, by the way.

U.D.: I see you want to reduce military spending.  So how does Terry plan to run on the Republican ticket?  Just yesterday, the spending-cut-happy Republicans cried foul when military spending was put on the cutting  table.

D.J.: While we truly believe in an “eye for an eye” like the Bible says, we need to stick to fighting the terrorists on U.S. soil.  Think of all the gas money we’d save from them planes not going overseas?!?

U.D.:  How are you going to deport all of the illegals?  You claim there are 20 million of them.  Won’t that just eat up the savings on gas money you just told me about from not flying our troops overseas? 

D.J.: If they weren’t here taking our jobs, we could save 400 million dollars to create jobs for our returning troops.

U.D.: Like picking fruit?  Americans who are already here don’t want those jobs. 

D.J.: Uh………..

U.D.: Why do you think corporate taxes should be reduced when corporate giants like GE already are not even paying their fair share and sometimes are not taxed at all?  Are you still under the voodoo spell of trickle-down economics and believe that will create jobs? Jesus probably created more jobs - at least 12 that I know of.

D.J.: Uh…………….

U.D.: You want to reduce bureaucracy and reduce role of government in businesses.  Aren’t you aware that most of big business controls the government?  Anyway, you don’t want the government to regulate the companies but feel they should regulate themselves.  So, do you take the same position as Michele Bachmann, that the regulatory agencies like the FDA shouldn’t monitor companies to keep them from selling us poo-tainted beef or crappy cantelope, and we should just all depend on the honor system so we don’t catch e-coli or Listeria and drop dead? Even more likely if an American lacks health care.  Save a dollar, lose a dude?  Is that your policy?

D.J.:  We believe in faith for healing.  But you know…I think I’m going to have to double check with Terry on his view about food safety and get back to you.  Maybe he was just thinking about leaving the falafel and hummus industries unregulated?

*Turning the other cheek.