Someplace in Iowa – Self-proclaimed and actual GOP front-runner Newt Gingrich has signed a pledge that he’ll never be an adulterous letch again! Yes, you read that correctly.
A socially conservative group got the thrice-married Gingrich to sign a pledge this week in which the Republican presidential hopeful also vowed to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) so Americans can’t have equal rights or marry dolphins or tortoises like Fox News host Bill O’Reilly’s fears the most.
Unsolicited Drivel has also learned exclusively that Gingrich pledged to the future ex-Mrs. Gringrich, Callista, that he will never cheat on her in the future without her a full having a full Pet Scan done to show if she has any signs of illness. Calllista, trying to come across as human, believed the scan had something to due with the SPCA, so was also happy to sign the pledge with her conflict diamond-encrusted Mont Blanc she purchased (with a Groupon) from Tiffany’s.
In another crap-tinged story, the second haircut in the GOP race, Mitt Romney, had incident where he believed he could show he could relate to Middle America by recalling a day when he had to poop in a bucket once while in France. But sadly, Romney's hopes were dashed again when it was revealed it had been holding a bottle of Veuve Clicquot earlier in the evening.
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