Rapists to Reluctantly Come Out of Retirement if Santorum is Elected

Los Angeles – Members of the U.S. porn industry have come out swinging this week against GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum and his war on porn, claiming he’s just pandering to religious conservatives. But as it turns out, retired rapists also think Santorum’s a jerk-off.

Studies have shown that since Al Gore claimed credit for inventing the Internet, instances of rape have steadily declined due to the ready availability of porn. Not surprisingly, instances of feline abuse have also declined because everyone realized cats truly are the funniest freaking creatures on the planet. However, if Santorum somehow made it to the White House without the earth crashing into the sun, the rape tally could easily change.

One retired rapist told Unsolicited Drivel, “This Santorum guy’s idea is about banning porn bullshit. I don’t want to come out of retirement. I’ve gotten fat and lazy sitting behind a computer keyboard all of these years and I can’t run as fast as I used to. Plus, chicks have more sophisticated self defense tools these days like pepper spray and self-esteem. Rape is all about control. Wait, I guess maybe I do have something in common with Santorum after all, as he’s all about taking away women’s reproductive choices. Still, I’m too old for this shit.”