Monday, April 30, 2012

What Are You Doing With the Whopping 70 Cents You Will Save on Gas This Week?

U.S. of A. – Gas prices have dipped across this fine nation just in time to fill up the tank to get to those Osama Bought the (pot) Farm anniversary celebrations this week.  In many cases, prices have dropped as sharply as FIVE cents.  If the average gas tank for those who don’t have to drive a Secret Service mobile (which they drive because they are Secret Service agents, or just because they have a small weenie) is 14 gallons, many Americans are in for an economic surplus of 70 cents!  Every little bit helps, doesn’t it?  We were so excited by this financial windfall that we guessed our Unsoilcited Drivel readers would be too!  We asked them how they planned to spend their fun money and here is what they told us:

“I’m going to buy less than a third of a bottle of 5 Hour Energy so I can sort of get through the afternoon at my hellish job riddled with ruined, soulless ass-tards that I can’t afford to quit in this economy.”

“I’m always the responsible type.  What can I say?  So I suppose instead of buying a hand full of Mike and Ike's to serve as my only food source today, I will just use the money to pay off maybe 125,000th of my student loan.”

“I think I'll have Mommy start me an investment portfolio in commodities like rice and beans. It’s starting to look like that’s all Americans will be able to afford to eat for years due to our reckless government's spending. By the time I can access my trust at 18, I should be more loaded than my diaper after a visit to Chuckie Cheese."

“Instead of spending it, I’m just going to fantasize that gas prices will come down enough one day so that I can afford a dollar for a lottery ticket, because I'm probably going to lose my medical assistant job if those crazy-ass conservative crackers* on the Supreme Court overturn Obamacare."

“Put it toward one of those bottom shelf airline size bottles of rum of course. You probably thought a thimble full of parrot food, but you thought wrong.  I'm a real bastard that way.”

*Excluding Justice Thomas.  He's just crazy.  He's not a cracker.

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