Monday, June 18, 2012

Little Scottish Girl’s School Lunch Blog Goes Viral

Arrrrgyylsocks, Scotland – An elementary school student hailing from bonnie Scotland has been censored by school officials for publishing photos with commentary about her school’s lunches on her Internet blog.  Martha Payne’s Never on an Empty Stomach launched this past spring and quickly became popular with students forced to eat crap worldwide with over 1 million hits.

Even celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who has been crusading against carbs in schools for years, has jumped to Payne’s defense.  He stated, “I’m so glad the little lassie gets me concern over the shite that is school lunches these days. I’m tired from blowing me nutritional argument wad on lunch laaaaadies who could snap me like a twig.”

But the Scottish government remains no fan of Payne’s culinary reviewing efforts and after visiting her blog, we are starting to understand why.

Never on an Empty Stomach
By Martha Payne

WTF?  Kippered Herring?  Don’t you people realize that has enough sodium for one day to make a 350-pound Highland caber log tosser stroke out?  And why arrre you serving corn?  The resulting blood sugar crash by 2pm will put me wee brain into a fog thicker than an Edinburgh morning!
Haggis? Again?!?  And you wonder why there are no Scottish restaurants!  I would crawl into an actual sheep’s intestine just to avoid eating that again.  And what make of wax beans arrrre these?  I’ll bet they arrrre genetically modified!

Whoever the brainiac was that told you that serving brains would increase intelligence as a substitute for actually teaching kids their lessons was sadly mistaken.  The laddie next to me is banging his head into his lunch plate right now.  And don’t you realize that due to unexplained factors (but most likely environmental pollution), that almost all little kids arrre allergic to peanuts now?  Bollocks!  Do you want me to go into anaphylactic shock?

Well, we were never too thrilled with school lunches either.  In fact, that’s what caused one of our editors to live on Ho-Hos for an entire year, thus setting up a lifetime of being bitch-slapped by something they call an "immune system.”  Regardless, schools need to do a much better job so kids don’t turn into mutants like us.  And thank goodness, Martha Payne has taken them to task!

1 comments so far :

Cola said...

It look betta than anything I had in chool

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