The REAL Reason Katie Holmes Left Tom Cruise

New York - Much speculation has been made at the Whole Foods in Chelsea where Katie Holmes has been continually spotted since filing for divorce from Tom Cruise on July 28th over the cause for their split.  Some cashiers think that Tom is probably a secretive control freak, while others just think that Katie likes their selection of organic drinks that aren't the Scientology-prescribed barley water.  Plus, they carry a shitload of vitamins - which are the only acceptable thing to take if you are depressed because you find yourself married to someone who believes he's had intimate relations with space aliens.  Or at the very least, John Travolta.  Also, a bugger who will label you "smug" for needing a little help.

Some sources are now reporting that as Katie so quickly returned to the Catholic Church, just like Tom's second wife Nicole Kidman did, that Kidman aided her in her escape.  Some unscrupulous media outlets are even reporting that Holmes used a burner cell phone to contact Kidman to ask for advice, but as we have no witnesses at the Whole Foods to substantiate this, and Scientologists only advocate using two Dixie Cups (see: secret Koch Brothers connection) with a string, we doubt she ever reached Nicole.

However, thankfully for our readers, Unsolicited Drivel has the REAL story.  The dude who massages the early formed bunions on Suri Cruise's feet due to her wearing heels at too young an age told us, "Katie's married to the Catholic Church even less so than she was to Tom.  The real reason they bailed is that Suri wanted to start her own religion based upon being a precocious toddler so consumed with acting out in front of papparrazi that she became a god-like creature to the media who just made stuff up to sell magazines.  Kind of like Paris Hilton was, but without the genital warts.  She's already secured Martha Stewart's old studio space in Chelsea and is turning it into a cathedral.  And it's very likely that Willlow Smith is going to be acting as her Arch Bishop."