Friday, August 10, 2012

Romney Campaign Denies Mitt’s Tax Returns Are Hidden on Mars

Ever since the Mars Rover landed safely Sunday night, rumors have been flying (like saucers) that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is not at all happy about the NASA exploratory mission. Some insiders on the campaign even claim that Romney actually seems nervous, making him less robotic than the Rover, and more relatable to most Americans.

While Nevada Senator Harry Reid claims he has a source outsourced from Bain Capital who insists that Romney has paid no taxes for many years, we at Unsolicited Drivel hate to think that Romney is such a selfish bastard while so many Americans have been struggling ever since the Supreme Court decided they hated Al Gore. So we are still going with the theory that Romney’s taxes are hidden somewhere, even though we are more likely to find missing teamster leader Jimmy Hoffa’s body first.

Could the reason Romney is suddenly showing human emotions during this mission to Mars be because his taxes (manipulated to keep him in the black) are hidden on the red planet? A Romney campaign staffer speaking to us anonymously* said, “Your speculation is ludicrous. Of course if anyone could afford to hide their crimes…uh, I mean tax returns in outer space, it would be Mitt. But everybody knows that as a Mormon he would bury the returns on the moon for those six-foot Martians in the white Quaker outfits to guard for him, not on Mars! But I’m not saying he has. The simple truth is Mitt believes that if America is going to spend $2.5 billion on a mission, it should be to give back in tax breaks to our people - our corporations who are people. Sorry, not to you people. Besides, you can’t even colonize Mars like Utah, for Joseph’s sake! Anyway, that’s the real story. And if you don’t like that, you can kiss my ass.”

 *Naturally, we can’t reveal our source, but since other media has gotten so unscrupulous, we’ll at least say his name rhymes with “Ick Orca.”

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