Jessica Simpson Had NO Clue Papa Joe Simpson Was Gay

Like....um, duh, y'all!

Los Angeles - Pop-tart, imagined actress, and Weight Watcher's spokesperson Jessica Simpson has come out (get it?) with a statement saying that she had no idea that her "Man"-ager Papa Joe could have ever been gay.

Joseph Simpson and his wife Tina Ann, also parents of notorious lip-syncher and SNL ruiner Ashlee Simpson, are reportedly in talks for a divorce after photos of Joe Simpson's alleged affair with 21-year-old model Bryce Chandler Hall were discovered. 

New lil' bastard baby mama Jessica told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, "This comes as a bigger shock to me than when I found out Chicken of the Sea didn't have no chicken, or that them Buffalos didn't have no wings. I mean Papa Joe was always talking' bout my breasts and motor boating. How was I supposed to know that really meant he was really wantin' me to buy him a motor boat just by showing my breasts to Americans that ain't got no real taste? I mean he's a minister and psychologist…and a Republican. I thought he was one of those good head shrinkers like that Marcus Bachmann dude doing the 'pray away the gay' and stuff. I can't even add er subtract girlfriend. How was I to know that combination of Papa Joe's  occupation and his political values translated to 'I like to bang little boys'? I don't read the news or nothin'.  I can only hope papa ain't doing no meth too like that other Reverend Ted Haggard guy who pretends to be praying when he really's been doing gayin'! Although some meth might make Joe more interesting. He'd probably use less words I couldn't unnerstand."