Romney Amazingly Receives the Crucial Coke Fiend Endorsement

Gimme Mitt, gimme Miit!

Los Angeles, New York, or whatever city she’s currently terrorizing – Fading starlet Lindsay Lohan took time out of her busy schedule from clipping people in the knees with her Porsche this week to endorse GOP candidate Mitt Romney.

Lohan’s mother Dina is supposedly 1.3 million dollars in debt and her lovely daughter and club-hopping partner is just really trying to help her out.

She told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, "Unemployment is a very important issue.  Especially mine.  Although I do see a future in porn and Jenna Jameson did endorse Mitt after all. And you know how much blow (Peruvian, natch) Grey Goose, hair extensions and criminal defense are going for these days?  Not cheap.  But how would you know?  You're just a poor satirist.  Anyway,  Romney totally would give me a tax break so I wouldn't have to change my lifestyle. Plus, he's got five hot sons if I decide to go back to dudes.  I know Mitt can't enjoy any happy powder or silly juice because of his religion...what is it called again?  Moronism?  But the war on drugs has been a complete failure anyway.  Maybe I can give him tips on ending it.  I don’t know if you noticed, but my mom’s not as good at turning me into a fame whore as that old Kardashian slag.  If Mitt gets the coke fiend/alcoholic vote, it’s only a matter of time before he gets the pot-heads, crack-heads, and meth-heads too….if they remember to show up at the polls.  Maybe I’ll do a motivational video for them and launch it on the youtubes?!?  I’d get a chance to act again.  And not just on cheater/beater/theater.  I mean the Lifetime network. And I’m tired of hearing Michelle Obama tell us to eat vegetables.  Everyone knows a person can survive on Red Bull and Marlboro Reds.  Bitch.”