Monday, December 31, 2012

The Year in Political Crazy

How clever!
I first started writing political satire as far back as “Ronald Ray-gun” as I called him.  The first time on the web during the Bush Administration which was like shooting fish in a barrel.  When I first started Unsolicited Drivel, the Tea Party was in its infancy.  Again, like shooting fish in a barrel (that time with an assault rifle). I got to see some of the looniest of the loon-bats speak in person in DC: Michele Bachmann; Grover Norquist; Dick Armey…I even heard Sarah Palin screech through the woods at Glenn Beck’s “Jonestown-Lite” rally. But the problem with the Tea Party is that they didn’t keep their loonies on a choke chain and now I can’t stalk them to save my life. The RNC will no longer pay to bus in their followers into Freedom Plaza.  Freedom ain’t free, y’all! That being said, this has been the MOST BORING YEAR EVER to write about politics.  But here is the year in review anyway…

Drivel Lady

Huntsman Sees Solid Gains in New Hampshire as Not Completely Out of Touch Rich Bastard Homophobic Racist Candidate
Who is this man?
Manchester – He may not have the insane wealth to mask having no real qualifications for higher office of a Mitt Romney, the homophobia and complete knack for doublespeak of a Rick Santorum, the alleged racial hatred of a Ron Paul, or the blow-hardiness and serial marrying tendencies of a Newt Gingrich, but former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman is suddenly surging in the polls in New Hampshire. And John McCain won't even show up at any of his rallies to forget his name while endorsing him.  WTF?

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with one Granite State voter for comment on Huntsman who told us, “I’m conservative by nature, but in order to vote I really have to have no idea what a candidate stands for.  That’s the only way I can vote a straight Republican ticket in good conscience.  I have NO friggin' clue what this Huntsman guy is about.  Really, I'm totally in the dark.   Our state motto is ‘Live Free or Die’ and my idea of living free is to vote for the guy I have the least amount of information on and Huntsman totally fits that bill.  Has anyone even heard him speak?  And I don't even know if he's a hating hater or not. How’d he manage that, I wonder?  Keeping the GOP core values and hatred separate?  That's some real clever campaigning,  I'll tell you."

Rick Perry Shocks Voters By Dropping Out of Presidential Race They Already Thought He Had Quit
Guess I'm just stayin, in Texanistan....
Columbia, SC – Texas Governor Rick Perry is expected to be dropping out of the GOP 2012 presidential race today a full two weeks after people believed he had thrown in the saddle blanket.  Perry is planning to speak to an empty parking lot at the Piggly Wiggly some time around 11am and like fellow quitter, Sarah Palin, it is believed he’s going to endorse Newt Gingrich simply because he’s not Mitt Romney.

An aide in Perry’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “I know most of America thought he dropped out after Iowa when we used the word ‘reassess’ in regard to Rick’s campaign. I’ll tell you it was pretty tough on his ego to lose the Iowa caucuses not only to the other candidates, but also to write-in votes for a truckload of corn and a ball of lint on Rick Santorum’s sweater vest.  We thought for sure Rick’s down home charm would appeal more in the Deep South, but apparently we were wrong.  We think the problem is that he’s not able to execute anybody along the campaign trail to bolster his popularity the way he does back home in Texas when his approval rating’s in the shitter.”

What is Governor Jan Brewer Talking About? 
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is insisting her meeting to greet President Obama at the airport to welcome him to discuss immigration reform was not "tense."  This file photo screams otherwise. It's like she's a Bruce Banner type scientist and has morphed into her alter ego or something. Maybe Obama asked her for a taco?

Mitt Romney’s Blind When it Comes to His Trust$
It only seemed like a bad dream, but it really was ANOTHER Republican debate last night.  At some point during the nightmare after Mitt Romney finished pretending to have no knowledge that he ran a Gingrich attack ad where he labeled Spanish “the language of the ghetto” (and also that of half his immediate family) he began to pretend to have no knowledge of what he’s paying his 13.9% income tax on.  After being accused of investing in Freddie Mae and Freddie Mac, the same evil corporate one time employers of his nemesis Newt Gingrich, Romney began to scramble to do damage control by insisting the money was in “blind” trusts.    

We did a little digging and it seems that Mitt IS totally clueless about what he invests his money in.  He would probably be shocked to know that he actually has investments in:
  • Freddie Mae
  • Freddie Mac
  • An organization that provides support groups for guys that don’t get why people think they are flaming a-holes when they leave their deathly ill wives for hotter, younger chicks 
  • An organization that provides training for hot chicks to become divorced from reality in order to bang ugly, older corrupt guys for Tiffany trinkets 
  • Reality TV star chain of rehab centers
  • The Gingrich Group
  • The company that makes Ron Paul’s eyebrow toupees and Rand Paul’s regular toupee
  • Godfather Pizza
  • Anti-Gay Groups
  • Anti-Straight Groups
  • Anti-Mormon Groups
  • The Mormon Church
  • The production of “The Book of Mormon"
  • And most importantly – an organization founded to protect the right hand from any knowledge whatsoever of what the left hand is ever doing
Clint Eastwood to Scowl at U.S. Congress to Make Sure They Get Actual Work Done
Washington, DC – A group of concerned citizens have taken up a collection to pay actor Clint Eastwood to stare at the Republican controlled Congress with disgust to make them more productive now that his own party hates him. Eastwood came under fire this week after he appeared in a Chrysler commercial touting the comeback of the auto industry that President Obama had bailed out. The person in charge of the group Stop Our Lawmakers From Merely Lining Their Pockets and Legislating Lady Parts told us, “Now that Clint makes them squirm because they think he’s a socialist, we think it would be a good idea for him to stand in the capitol building while they are in session and give them the old Gran Torino scowl.  We figure they’ll be more cooperative because they don’t want to ‘make his day’ so to speak by being the usual assholes.”

Speaking from his toadstool underneath a bridge, Republican strategist Karl Rove had complained of the commercial, “The President of the United States is using our tax dollars to buy corporate advertising or something without the approval and machinations of my diabolical mind! That didn’t used to be tolerated.”

Eastwood, in a New York Times editorial response to Rove wrote, “Who gives a f*ck what that fat f*ck thinks?”  He also stated he had become aware of the movement to have him intimidate the living shit out of Congress and he even offered to work for Actor’s Equity union scale.

Republicans Hot and Bothered Over “Chimichanga-Gate”
Washington, DC – Republican lawmakers were hot under the collar this week, but not for the reasons you may be thinking.  Very surprisingly, they were not all that upset because they finally had to compromise with the Democrats over extending the payroll tax cut (so they wouldn’t have to bend over and kiss their asses goodbye in November)...but rather over something yummy all Americans like to eat: a chimichanga.  This outrage occurred because President Obama’s campaign manager Jim Messina retweeted a line from The Washington Post’s Dana Milbank where he wrote, “The chimichanga? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer Latinos."

Republicans who voted against the DREAM immigration reform act (all of them) were instantly outraged and claimed Messina’s tweet was “culturally insensitive.”  This supposed infraction even caused RNC political director Rick Wiley to tweet: "Very insensitive bro" as Wiley didn’t realize that “bro” was a term of endearment typically used by African Americans who will also never vote for his party (other than those four of them: Herman Cain, Rep. Allen West, Clarence Thomas, and Alan Keyes), and that Mexican Americans (who they blew it with when they had a chance) allegedly address each other as “amigo.”  Allegedly.

Unsolicited Drivel checked in with our political analyst over the hubbub.  He told us, “I don’t get what the problem is.  The chimichanga was actually invented in Tuscon, Arizona.  So to say that the Mexican American community would be insulted by wanting to eat them would insinuate they are unpatriotic.  Just because all the Republicans want to be offered by the Democrats via extensions of the Bush tax cuts are Kobe steaks, they take offense?  Crazy.  Either way, with their track record, we still know the Republicans will never be willing to offer ANY of the other 99% the whole enchilada.”

Crooner-in-Chief Obama to Appear On Glee?
Washington, DC – Earlier this week President Obama sang again. This time he joined music greats B.B. King, Mick Jagger, Jeff Beck and Buddy Guy at the White House to celebrate blues music in our American culture. And now we have learned exclusively that he may have an even bigger public singing gig on the horizon in a guest role on Glee!

An insider in the administration told Unsolicited Drivel, "As you can tell, Obama is surely as talented as frequent Glee guest star Gwyneth Paltrow. And Ms. Paltrow’s appearances certainly did a great deal to restore the fan base she lost after she launched that website giving lifestyle advice that makes her seem like a pretentious wench/weasel obsessed with ignoring her husband in favor of her lower intestine. Just because the Republicans have failed to produce a candidate that any of them want to have a beer with doesn’t mean Obama’s not vulnerable in November. Also, appearing on a show like Glee will give Obama a chance to win back his fan base in the gay and lesbian community that he’s alienated since taking office by dragging ass on their issues because he's in the closet a conservative! We don’t have any plans to start a new war with Syria during an election year, so the President’s possible role on Glee could suffice as our 'October Surprise'. And as the country seems to be going bat-shit insane even without Michele Bachmann leading their way, we’re pretty sure now that the Republican candidate is going to be Rick Santorum instead of Mitt Romney.  If that's the case, we'll probably have Obama appear on the Halloween episode of Glee as school board administrator and have him in costume as the devil. Hell, Santorum's already convinced he’s running against Satan anyway."

 Is Rick Making You Sick?
Washington, DC – As the incomprehensible lead of GOP presidential frontrunner Rick Santorum continues, he appeared on ABC’s This Week yesterday where he told the bewildered host George Stephanopoulos that President John F. Kennedy’s attitude toward church and state made him “want to vomit.”

Santorum’s potential bile was in response to Kennedy’s speech to Southern Baptist leaders where he assured them that as a Catholic president, he would not be taking orders from the Pope.  And not because Kennedy would have no need to cover up for child molesters, but more likely in order to ensure that all Americans had equal rights Kennedy believed that the church should probably stay the hell out of his business. Santorum misunderstood the speech, believing that Kennedy was not Jesusy enough for HIS America and has caused quite a stir with his pukey proclamation.

We at Unsolicited Drivel have to admit that this news about Rick Santorum totally misinterpreting a beloved president’s comments is making us nauseous too.  So we designed this handy bag just in case Rick opens his mouth again:

Speaker Boehner Thinks You’re An Idiot
Washington, DC – We are only as smart as the choices we make in this life. That being said, GOP leader Speaker John Boehner probably thinks Americans are mostly idiots based upon whom we voted for.

In a recent interview when asked about Congress Boehner stated, “We got some of the smartest people in the country who serve here, and some of the dumbest.” He also touted his own achievements stating, “There’s nobody who works harder here to pretend to work with the president than I do. I’ve mastered pretending and I think my ability to cry on cue as if my puppy was just hit by a liquor truck is proof positive of that.”

We all know about Boehner’s insincere efforts to meet Obama half way, but what about this “dumb” comment? That still stings.

Unsolicited Drivel checked in with our political analyst who told us, “I am sure that Speaker Boehner’s comment about the current crop of dummies in Congress is directed at the Tea Party freshman and as always, Michele Bachmann. Of course voters who elected people who think taxes are too high even though some of them are receiving IRS refunds for the first time since the 80s can be considered mental defectives. But I don’t think Boehner was thinking about the voters. That wouldn’t be like him at all. He was probably just criticizing his colleagues as being dumb because they hadn't figured out how to get lobbyists to massage their upper thighs like a Thai hooker while lining their pockets with money, or how to spend more time on the golf course than legislating to take the country ass-backwards yet."  

Pondering Prairie Dog is Back! 
With a good question...

(Source for Santorum quote)

Friends to Stage Election “Intervention” For Newt Gingrich
Somewhere in Virginia – Friends of GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich expressed concern this week that he has yet to drop out of the 2012 race after trailing a distant third place for basically what now feels like forever.

A pal of the former Speaker of the House told Unsolicited Drivel, “We’re going to have to step in and do something.  I know for a fact that the media is tired of interviewing him.  I heard that one of the political pundits, let’s just say his name rhymes with Schmavid Schmegory, told his producer that he’d rather gnaw his own arm off than have Newt on his show one more time.  I can understand that.  I mean I feel that way when Newt’s across the table at a dinner party sometimes when he starts trying to justify why he usually leaves his wives.  But now we’re starting to wonder if he’s just plain nuts, as he still doesn’t seem to realize his campaign stinks of failure so badly, it could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.  So we plan to get together and encourage him to drop out of the race as it seems most Americans would rather vote for a haircut or a sweater vest and Newt’s only a philandering shyster. Philanders can get to the White House easily, but not shysters.  On second thought, maybe if we got Newt one of those Mr. Rodgers type cardigan sweaters it might revitalize his campaign?  Nah.  Time for Newt to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk instead of his just constantly talking about his supposed relationship with Him.”

Rapists to Reluctantly Come Out of Retirement if Santorum is Elected
Los Angeles – Members of the U.S. porn industry have come out swinging this week against GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum and his war on porn, claiming he’s just pandering to religious conservatives. But as it turns out, retired rapists also think Santorum’s a jerk-off.

Studies have shown that since Al Gore claimed credit for inventing the Internet, instances of rape have steadily declined due to the ready availability of porn. Not surprisingly, instances of feline abuse have also declined because everyone realized cats truly are the funniest freaking creatures on the planet. However, if Santorum somehow makes it to the White House without the earth crashing into the sun, the rape tally could easily change.

One retired rapist told Unsolicited Drivel, “This Santorum guy’s idea is about banning porn is total bullshit. I don’t want to come out of retirement. I’ve gotten fat and lazy sitting behind a computer keyboard all of these years and I can’t run as fast as I used to. Plus, chicks have more sophisticated self defense tools these days like pepper spray and self-esteem. Rape is all about control. Wait, I guess maybe I do have something in common with Santorum after all, as he’s all about taking away women’s reproductive choices. Still, I’m too old for this shit.”

Mitt Romney to Announce Irish Setter as VP Pick
Madison, WI – Presumed GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney is in town this week for the Wisconsin primary on Tuesday and it’s expected that he’s going to make a bold announcement – the choice of his Vice Presidential pick.

Unsolicited Drivel has learned that the billionaire former governor has no plans to rest on his piles of cash through the rest of the primaries on the road to the Republican National Convention, but instead will announce an Irish Setter will be his running mate this week to stir up an unprecedented amount of public support for an out of touch rich dude.

 A spokesperson for the Romney campaign told us, “As you are aware, throughout the campaign there have been horrible allegations that Mitt allegedly strapped his pet Irish Setter, Seamus, to the roof of his car on a trip to Canada. I can assure you that’s merely hearsay. Americans really love their pets, and as most Americans can no longer afford to have children, the popularity of the household pet is rising even more. We have adopted Sean Fitzgerald Romney, whom I can assure you did NOT come from a puppy mill, to soften up Mitt’s image and gain what we believe will be a huge amount of votes. Sean already has his own suite – inside the bus – and the Secret Service has stepped up to protect him. And Americans need not worry about anything happening to Mitt should he become president and Sean having to actually step his paws into Mitt’s shoes to run the country. Irish Setters may not be the most intelligent breed, but they are at least as intelligent as Sarah Palin. And they have their shit together. But everyone knows that Mitt’s really a cyborg, so we can just have him easily repaired.”

Obama Looking to 4 More Years of Calling Kanye West a "Jackass"
Imma let you finish Barack...
Washington, DC – Sources close to President Barack Obama claim that not only is the faux progressive looking forward to having four more years for Americans to notice his first term accomplishments -- he’s also hoping for four more years rife with opportunities to label Kanye West a “jackass.” Obama famously labeled hip-hop’s biggest ego as such after his stunt at the VMAs embarrassing full-time surprised person Taylor Swift and did so again this week when asked about him by The Atlantic.

A rep from Obama’s campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “When that Atlantic reporter asked him about Jay-Z versus Kanye, of course Obama was going to say he preferred Jay-Z.  Jay lets him sing karaoke with Beyonce at parties.  Once we crush Romney in the election in November provided every racist in America doesn’t come out of their bomb shelter to vote, the President will enjoy having many more chances to label West, or 'Immaletchufinish' as we refer to him in the West Wing, a jackass.  He’s the only person who can really do that with little to no fear of a drive-by shooting thanks to the Secret Service.  And now that Kanye is dating a Kardashian, he’s pretty much guaranteed to implode publicly more often than Speaker Boehner bursts into tears.  Although I must confess, considering how many of George W. Bush’s policies Obama has continued with, I’m surprised that he didn’t mistakenly refer to the rapper as Conway.”

Rocker Ted Nugent Restricted to Hunting Own Head Lice (& Crabs)*
Ketchikan - A District Court judge has ordered Ted Nugent to be restricted to hunting solely his own bodily varmints after he confessed to illegal black bear hunting.

The plea agreement states that the mouthy, right wing Motor City Madman illegally killed the black bear in 2009 (instead of killing the American public’s eardrums with his music) and as punishment he must now be limited to hunting his own head lice and not surprisingly - genital crabs.  And the judge also specified the use of a crossbow. 

Attorneys for Nugent didn’t return calls for comment.  However, one insider from the court proceeding told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was kind of embarrassing for Ted because he always advocates ethical hunting practices.  Of course, it wasn’t as embarrassing as when Ted opens his mouth to comment on President Obama.  Be that as it may, it was kind of a crazy sentence.  But there’s a rumor out there that it’s not as crazy as what the judge was initially considering – restricting Ted to only hunting with Dick Cheney.”

*The voices in Ted's head make him THINK he's a politician.

It’s Official: Wax Figure of Abraham Lincoln More in Touch With American People Than Mitt Romney
Photo via: Instagram
Gettysburg, PA – It’s hard to believe that the Republicans could possibly choose a presidential candidate more out of touch with the average American than Mittholomew J.P. Pennypacker Romney, or “Mitt” as he’s known to his friends who own practically everything in the world. But one man believes that Republicans should choose someone seemingly more out of touch – a wax museum replica of Abraham Lincoln.  Or is he?

After a recent visit to Gettsyburg and perhaps after consuming few Yuenglings, young patriot Kevin White admitted to Unsolicited Drivel, “It would be nearly impossible, even regardless of his bodily composition of wax, that this likeness of Abraham Lincoln, possibly the last Republican president who wasn’t a just a self-involved dick, could be more out of touch with the average American than Mitt “ask your parents for money” Romney.  They are equal are far as foreign policy experience goes too.  Fake Lincoln only had to worry about England and Mitt Romney only had to worry about his next vacation to England.  I’m sure fake Lincoln could run and win on name recognition alone if he wanted to.  I might have one more beer and try to convince him to throw his hat in the ring.  The only problem is that Republicans don’t believe in climate change, so it would be kind of hard to explain to Lincoln why he started to melt before he got to deliver his keynote speech at the convention in Tampa this summer.”

So Obama FINALLY Supports Gay Marriage? 
Better late than never.

We Got a Look at George Clooney’s Menu For His Obama Fundraiser!
Liberal Hollywood – Movie star and activist George Clooney is hosting a $40,000 a plate fundraiser for President Obama tonight that is supposed to bring in a staggering $15 million.  Naturally, we wanted to know what $40k a plate would buy a donor.  Tasting menus seem to be all the rage today and here is the tentative one that George’s caterer secretly faxed to us:

• Salad of flame grilled radicchio and fiddlehead ferns served with shavings of California gold and dressed in balsamic vinegar handcrafted by Benedictine Monks aged in apple wood casks, organic hemp oil and essence of Belgian hare pheromones 

• Wild Coho Salmon tear, petit pois and coconut curry bisque

• King Crab elbow served with star fruit-allspice salsa

• Lancastershire quail eyelid tempura with plum wasabi sauce

• Olympia Oysters served with daikon radish, saffron and black pearl relish

• Grass-fed, Ivy League-educated beef medallions with sautéed Black Forest morel mushrooms in a Chateauneuf de Pape reduction

• Baked sweet potato dressed with White Truffle oil whipped with Nubian Goat’s milk butter, Madagascar cinnamon and rosemary from Mt. Olympus

• Seared Anjou pear stuffed with charred figs,  Roquefort, pickled Fennel and false hope

Special note:  An open oxygen bar will be supplied for starlets who are dieting and wish to forgo meals to just inhale food-like aromas.

Seems reasonable enough for the price of admission!  Right?!?

Mitt Romney Photoshop Challenge Accepted! 
As more and more dirt comes to light about GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and his bullying prep school rat-boy ways, I presented a Photoshop challenge to concerned reader Stephanie B. and not surprisingly, she excelled at the task.

 Prep-tard stumbles into a gay wedding:

The Hounds of Hell are coming for Prep-tard!

Prep-tard - n. A wealthy bully who takes out his lack of having an actual personality and/or philosophical views on innocent folks by force.  

America Still Doesn’t Get a Warm Fuzzy for George W. Bush
U.S. of A. – Although most Americans would admittedly like to have a beer with him, George W. Bush is reportedly the least popular living president in U.S. history. These new statistics were established once it was discovered that the 43rd president was still alive, despite being almost invisible since leaving office, as Bush was recently seen clearing brush on his ranch and it was determined by experts that he would need a pulse to do that.

When polled, 54% of Americans who like to take polls had an unfavorable view of Bush, while 43% who never read a newspaper said they still thought of him favorably. Even Warren G. Harding, who is still dead, most people don’t  even realize was president and who invented partisan cronyism and paved the way for the careers of over achieving evil-doers in America’s government, had a more favorable rating than George W. Bush. Of those who disapprove of George W. Bush, many people said they thought more favorably of former President Jimmy Carter’s liver spots and President Bill Clinton’s cigar than they did of George W. Bush. Former Vice President Al Gore also scored more favorably because he was actually elected president. Also, in what may perhaps be a bit of a slap on the ass for George W., many Americans said that they still thought better of Bush’s father George H.W.  even though he never kept his word about not raising taxes and primarily because he jumps out of planes thus increasing the possibility of someday killing himself.

Dark Knight’s Bane: STFU With the Romney Comparisons Already
Gotham City – The newest diabolical villain in the upcoming conclusion to the Dark Knight Trilogy, Bane, is asking Americans to STFU already with comparing him to GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.

Speaking exclusively to Unsolicited Drivel, the evil one told us “First off, my name is spelled differently.  Now I know we no longer teach kids how to read in this country, just how to take tests thanks to George W. Bush’s No Child Left Behind failure of a program, but my name has no 'i' in it.  And in neighborhoods where people don’t know how to spell, they aren’t as likely to turn up to vote anyway, so that outraged radio host, what’s his name?  Tush Limpballs or something?  He should just take another snort of Hillbilly heroin and calm down.  The name of my character is just a coincidence and has nothing to do with some liberal Hollywood agenda in Washington because those Democrats they’ve elected to go down there aren’t hardly accomplishing shit.  Unless you count letting oneself being bullied as shit.  In conclusion, I may be some crazy-ass evil industrialist, but I’m no animal abuser like Mitt Romney.  I’d never scare a dog into crapping all over my getaway vehicle’s roof or milkshake a horse to hide his injuries to rip off a buyer.  I like to hurt humans.  They’re the ones who truly deserve it.  Also, haven’t you noticed Romney’s boring as f*ck all and the excitement virtually never stops with me?”  

Premiere Issue of an Exciting New Magazine for the 1%!

Romney Campaign Denies Mitt’s Tax Returns Are Hidden on Mars

Ever since the Mars Rover landed safely Sunday night, rumors have been flying (like saucers) that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is not at all happy about the NASA exploratory mission. Some insiders on the campaign even claim that Romney actually seems nervous, making him less robotic than the Rover, and more relatable to most Americans.

While Nevada Senator Harry Reid claims he has a source outsourced from Bain Capital who insists that Romney has paid no taxes for many years, we at Unsolicited Drivel hate to think that Romney is such a selfish bastard while so many Americans have been struggling ever since the Supreme Court decided they hated Al Gore. So we are still going with the theory that Romney’s taxes are hidden somewhere, even though we are more likely to find missing teamster leader Jimmy Hoffa’s body first.

Could the reason Romney is suddenly showing human emotions during this mission to Mars be because his taxes (manipulated to keep him in the black) are hidden on the red planet? A Romney campaign staffer speaking to us anonymously* said, “Your speculation is ludicrous. Of course if anyone could afford to hide their crimes…uh, I mean tax returns in outer space, it would be Mitt. But everybody knows that as a Mormon he would bury the returns on the moon for those six-foot Martians in the white Quaker outfits to guard for him, not on Mars! But I’m not saying he has. The simple truth is Mitt believes that if America is going to spend $2.5 billion on a mission, it should be to give back in tax breaks to our people - our corporations who are people. Sorry, not to you people. Besides, you can’t even colonize Mars like Utah, for Joseph’s sake! Anyway, that’s the real story. And if you don’t like that, you can kiss my ass.”

 *Naturally, we can’t reveal our source, but since other media has gotten so unscrupulous, we’ll at least say his name rhymes with “Ick Orca.”  

Mitt Romney Reveals Paul Ryan as VP Pick 
What, because the reanimated corpse of Ayn Rand wasn't available?

Not fun fact: As Rep Ryan worked as a salesman for Oscar Mayer during college and drove the Wienermobile...that means that both he and Mitt have driven around with hot dogs on the roof of their cars.  (Thanks to faux Rafalca Romney for pointing this out.)  

Romney's Problem Isn't Really With Big Bird! Or Bert and Ernie! 
And yes, Big Bird HATES Chick-Fil-A.

One American States: Koch Brothers Should Switch to Selling Cocaine
Not the REAL Kochs, but how we assume they look...
Washington, DC - One American insisted recently that the Koch brothers, Charles and David, who typically sell products to wipe your ass (toilet paper), would probably do the nation more good by selling something that matched the pronunciation of their name - coke - (aka) cocaine.

An associate of theirs that works at the Libertarian affiliated Cato Institute told Unsolicited Drivel, "Hey, if we had any idea that the Tea Party would end up to be filled with a bunch of lard-ass, assassins of the English language AND Michele Bachmann, I'm pretty sure Chuck and Dave would have thought twice about being the chief financial backers.  They can spell and even string sentences together despite being just professional inheritors.  In fact,  now they have decided to just stick to voter intimidation at their paper plants (even if everyone can't speak English), and the various other b'jillion industries they still own which enable them to try to brainwash the American public at will.  Funny story…I'm only working at the Cato Institute because I was busted for doing coke and couldn't become a lawyer!  Four years of snorting blow through college because I'm not cool in real life down the drain.  Plus, I still have to hang out with cement heads everyday…which is EXACTLY like having a coke hangover.  All things considered, I wish the Koch brothers would actually switch to selling coke. How great would that branding be, baby?!?  They could still sell plenty of tissues from their paper plants and everyone in the Tea Party might seem more intellectual.  Except for Bachmann, of course."

Mitt Romney's Woman Binders: Avery Economy Binder with 1-Inch Round Ring, Black, 1 Binder (3301): Office Products Avery Economy Binder with 1-Inch Round Ring, Black, 1 Binder (3301): Office Products
Red Cross to Mitt Romney: Cram Your Creamed Corn
U.S.of A. - While NJ Governor Chris Christie was pressing the flesh with President Obama (after he stopped causing the storm surge during hurricane Sandy by swimming), GOP Presidential hopeful and FEMA hater Mitt Romney was quickly devising a plan to save storm victims with a food drive…which kind of (allegedly) made the folks at the Red Cross want to choke on a corn dog.

An insider at the disaster relief organization anonymously told Unsolicited Drivel, "Uh, we know Mitt's never had to use our compassionate services as he can probably just ride out any storm in his car elevator, but we need financial donations to put the money exactly where it needs to go.  Be it maintaining shelters, feeding people too, but we decide where the money goes based upon urgent needs.  We accepted his truck full of peas and creamed corn just to be nice, but we wouldn't accept the horsehair blankets he had made out of Rafalca after he failed to medal in dressage in the London Olympics.  We love people as much as animals in our organization and in fact, ALL of Mr. Romney's ideas seem inhumane to us.  We don't need the magic Mormon underwear he offered for the victims either.  Perhaps Mr. Romney should not visit the hurricane victims today and just stay home, nice and warm, in one of his many, many houses and stick to handing out $100,000 bars to trick-or treaters tonight? That would be a nice change for him instead of handing out pink slips.  Thanks for letting me vent, U.D.  Dealing with these blowhard politicians after a natural disaster can be dealing like barnyard animals with their heads cut off!"  

Cornel West: Obama is a Republican in Blackface!
No longer BFFs!
Washington, DC -Author, activist and sometimes seemingly unhinged person, Cornel West, announced in an interview this week with Democracy Now that President Barack Obama is just a "Rockefeller Republican in Blackface."  West was then allegedly heard off camera by staffers admitting that he was looking forward to changing his name from "Cornel West" to "Captain Obvious West" and couldn't wait to order his new monogrammed towels from J. Crew.

We at Unsolicited Drivel wondered why such a learned man as Mr. West would waste his breath on spouting the obvious.  So naturally, we felt compelled to contact him for comment.

U.D.: "Corny, may we call you that?  Why would you waste your brain power on telling Americans what they already know?  How else you do you think the President was able to convince those whack-jobs in that penis-shaped state to vote for him?"

CW: "Yes, you may call me 'Corny' Drivel Lady, but only because I have heard you are a bad-ass and I love your description of the great state of Florida.  Appropriate as penises like Allen West are no longer representing them.  However, Mr. Obama, or 'Barry' as I used to call him when we used to shoot hoops together, has caved to the Republicans so many times, on so many an issue, that I have lost count.  I am assuming he's not going to change this term.  I don't think he has even used the word 'change' since 2008.  He no longer uses the words 'middle class' either."

U.D.: "Well Corny, we were just wondering if you'd been hiding a under a rock for the last four years.  Thanks for the clarification though.  Are you aware of Barack's secret plot to only let Sasha and Malia marry Latinos so that when their future smarty pants kids run for office they can be Rockefeller Republicans in olive skin face?"

CW: (Head explodes.)

All everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick. | We the People: Your Voice in Our Government
All everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick. | We the People: Your Voice in Our Government
ACTUAL WHITE HOUSE PETITION!  BWAAAAAAAAAH!!  Why haven't Karl Rove and Grover reenacted the ending to Thelma and Louise yet?!?
I'll get out my steel-toe boots!
UPDATE: It has been deleted...but this screen shot will live on! It got to 60 signatures...  

This Must Be That Fiscal Cliff the Government Keeps Whining About

And this is what I hear inside my head whenever our legislators talk about the aforementioned "fiscal cliff."

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