Monday, December 31, 2012

Popular Stories in 2012 I Can't Explain

You never what's going to catch the readers' attention.  That's what makes doing this site so bizarre.

Super Bowl Halftime Shows We’d Actually Like to See
Madonna is playing the halftime show at this Sunday’s Super Bowl, proving that she’s still got it…if by “got it” we mean has enough f*cking nerve to demand $300 for concert tickets. As we’ll no doubt be treated to songs to make us reminisce about a time when Warren Beatty didn’t look like a corpse (as we saw him look okay while she banging him in that black and white movie she made fifty years ago), we’ll also be wondering if the NFL couldn’t have been a little more creative with their entertainment and not have it stuck in a by-gone era?  They never are, but who wants to count the veins on Madonna's arms in hi-def? Really? So, we took it upon ourselves to think of ways to liven up the Super Bowl halftime show and came up with these ideas for our fantasy football follies:

1.  Blue Ivy Carter – Baby’s First Jam
Beyonce and Jay-Z’s kid and her 300 nannies and 850 body guards take to the stage to show that baby is already a musical prodigy at only six weeks old.  Ivy’s onesie will be bedazzled with stones cut from dad's newly purchased Hope Diamond and her back-up dancers will also serve as armed security guards wearing real bullet bras, unlike Madonna’s fake one on her “Blonde Ambition” tour.  Justin Bieber will make a cameo to close the program and sing along with Blue while she cries to his hit “Baby,” with special guest Willow Smith dancing behind them in a crib seeming to have wild hand-head sex with her newly shaved noggin.

2. Madonna/Elton John Lip-Synch-Off
Madonna’s biggest critic, Queen of England Elton John, will join the alleged singer at for a lip-synching contest as he so loathes her technique.  The challenge will be that they will be forced to fake emote to each other’s songs.  Elton’s husband David Furnish and whichever prepubescent boy Madonna is currently dry-humping will live blog nasty comments via Facebook while Madonna messes up Elton’s lyrics as nobody knows what they are to begin with (Tiny prancer? Yellow Brick ho?) and Elton gags on the sheer banality of hers.

3. Elvis Serenades the People of Wal-Mart
Featuring an “Elvis Impersonator,” but due to a battle with Lisa Marie and the Church of Scientology, no actual Elvis songs, they could present some 50s sock-hop or rockabilly kind of studio tracks with lyrics including Wal-Mart specials and featuring a dance troupe of mullet-headed men with special guests, the “Tramp Stamp Two-Steppers.”   Other original songs could include tracks like, “Blue Suede Smock,” “I Can’t Help Falling in Aisle 5 Thanks to You Never Cleaning Up,” and “In the White Trash Ghetto.”

What Are You Doing With the Whopping 70 Cents You Will Save on Gas This Week?

U.S. of A. – Gas prices have dipped across this fine nation just in time to fill up the tank to get to those Osama Bought the (pot) Farm anniversary celebrations this week.  In many cases, prices have dropped as sharply as FIVE cents.  If the average gas tank for those who don’t have to drive a Secret Service mobile (which they drive because they are Secret Service agents, or just because they have a small weenie) is 14 gallons, many Americans are in for an economic surplus of 70 cents!  Every little bit helps, doesn’t it?  We were so excited by this financial windfall that we guessed our Unsoilcited Drivel readers would be too!  We asked them how they planned to spend their fun money and here is what they told us:

“I’m going to buy less than a third of a bottle of 5 Hour Energy so I can sort of get through the afternoon at my hellish job riddled with ruined, soulless ass-tards that I can’t afford to quit in this economy.”

“I’m always the responsible type.  What can I say?  So I suppose instead of buying a hand full of Mike and Ike's to serve as my only food source today, I will just use the money to pay off maybe 125,000th of my student loan.”

“I think I'll have Mommy start me an investment portfolio in commodities like rice and beans. It’s starting to look like that’s all Americans will be able to afford to eat for years due to our reckless government's spending. By the time I can access my trust at 18, I should be more loaded than my diaper after a visit to Chuck E. Cheese."

“Instead of spending it, I’m just going to fantasize that gas prices will come down enough one day so that I can afford a dollar for a lottery ticket, because I'm probably going to lose my medical assistant job if those crazy-ass conservative crackers* on the Supreme Court overturn Obamacare."

“Put it toward one of those bottom shelf airline size bottles of rum of course. You probably thought a thimble full of parrot food, but you thought wrong.  I'm a real bastard that way.”

*Excluding Justice Thomas.  He's just crazy.  He's not a cracker.

Land-O-Lakes Butter Maiden SLAMS Paula Deen
Somewhere in Minnesota – Things just get worse and worse for celebrity chef Paula Deen since her recent admission of her diabetes diagnosis and endorsement deal with her treatment drug maker Novo Nordisk.  First her fellow Food Network colleagues refused to comment on the subject or speak to her and now the American Indian maiden who is the Land-O-Lakes Butter model has slammed her publicly due to their plummeting sales.

The maiden, often referred to as Boobs that Look Like Knees, told us, “Ever since Paula admitted she has to change her diet our sales have dipped considerably.  The average American who likes to eat an entire stick of butter at every meal KNOWS they are never going to get a lucrative endorsement deal with a big pharmaceutical to make up for going blind or having a foot removed, so they’ve just gone ahead and already taken our product off their table.  Cookie Monster could have had that drug endorsement deal YEARS ago, but he has standards and knew it was important to protect the Sesame Street brand.  No wonder nobody at her network wants to speak to her.  I get a royalty check for every box of butter sold.  It’s not like I’m part owner of a casino and can get extra income that way.  That’s just a Native American stereotype and F.U. for even thinking that.  If that bitch Paula really wants to do damage control for me I suggest she head to her local Winn-Dixie, Sharpie marker in hand, and start changing the labels on tubs of I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter to I Can’t Believe it’s Butt Hair.”

FDA Was Planning a Branding Campaign to Sell “Pink Slime”
Hey, kids! Cowelly says, "eat me!"
Washington, DC – Public disgust over the product being sold as ground beef known as “pink slime” has been exploding like a colon full of E. coli lately.  People had no idea the product, consisting of ground up fatty beef trimmings treated with ammonium hydroxide gas, was being served to our school children regularly and also sold in national supermarket chains in the form of those pre-made hamburgers people serve to neighbors at barbeques who are unworthy of grass-fed 100% beef.  And now the public outrage is about to get even bigger.

Unsolicited Drivel has exclusively uncovered a back room plot at the Food and Drug Administration to launch a huge marketing and branding campaign to dupe the public into thinking the “pink slime” is all natural.  A whistleblower at the agency told us, “Ever since Food Like Products, Inc., informed the press that they would have to close plants left and right as sales were plummeting, we knew we had to do something to stop the loss of those jobs for hard working Americans who don’t object to inhaling noxious chemicals all day. We hired a boutique branding agency, Lazy, Crazy & Heart Attack From Overwork, to come up with a mascot and we were going to present a campaign claiming that the pink slime came from a real animal – the Coweel.  They came up with a cartoon mascot, Cowelly, for the campaign.  People will buy anything with a cartoon mascot.  That’s why Charlie Tuna and that Bumble Bee have been so successful in spreading mercury poisoning.  And ammonium hydroxide exposure is great for Attention Deficit Disorder drug sales.   But now that you will be reporting this, they'll have to go back to the drawing board to sell pink slime. Without me. Maybe they can do a cross promotion with Pink Berry?  That stuff's not likely to be real food either.”

Pippa Middleton’s Ass Under Fire Instead of Just Being Smoking HOT
Paris – A very shapely ass, which is attached to the Duchess of Cambridge’s little sis’ Pippa Middleton, was seen with a gun over the weekend and seems to have caused a real bang. According to Britain’s Daily Mail Telegraph Sun Tattler – who published the photos - Middleton’s ass was spotted with three (count’em - three) male friends in a convertible you likely can’t afford and one of the rowdy lads, the driver, allegedly pointed a gun at a photographer.

An insider who hacked a phone from one of the boys to obtain pictures of the joyride told Unsolicited Drivel, “Just imagine if Princess Diana had had a gun in that limo. She might still be alive today and we would be criticizing her ass via a wide-angle lens into her 50s! Anyway, the 28-year sister-in-law of Prince William could face charges. If Pippa’s ass, or as we like to call it – arse or bum - is found guilty, the real challenge may be not how it looks in a jumpsuit, but for the magistrate to resist the temptation to sentence it to time in the men’s prison instead of putting the ass in with the rest of the naughty girls in the women’s where it belongs!”  

First Look at Jessica Simpson's Baby!

She just tweeted this pic of new daughter Maxwell from the hospital. Wow. I guess it's true what the tabloids said about her having been pregnant for like...forever. That kid's already ready for Toddlers and Tiaras!  

What New Names Was Osama bin Laden Considering For Re-Branding Al-Qaeda?
Osama bin Laden was reportedly in the process of "re-branding" Al-Qaeda at the time of his death.  He felt the name no longer caused fear and loathing the way it did circa 2001.  Naturally, Unsolicited Drivel had a roving reporter (a goat) positioned on site outside of the world's worst terrorist's compound in Abbottabad, and lucky for us, he grabbed a print-out of a chart out the trash! The terrorists all voted and here is how the new names they were considering fared:

“Mad Men” Creator Promises Pete as Permanent Punching Bag on Season Six
Los Angeles – “Mad Men” fans are still reeling from their disappointment in a somewhat ho-hum season finale.  Some have even written about their frustration with the show via Twitter.

 @lightweightcomparedtosterling wrote: “I’m not sure if I was already too drunk by trying to keep up with the characters’ drinking habits on the show to follow the subtle nuances that bloggers make up about the plot the next day, or if that was just really f*cking boring?”…and…@girlwhocantgetadamnshoecommercial wrote: “Why did Megan suddenly morph into a such a back-stabbing bitch? Is it because Don always keeps her barefoot even though she refuses to get pregnant?”….and....@fattybetty wrote: I wanted to develop bulimia!...and…@Joansjuggs4ever wrote: “Couldn’t you at least have killed Joan’s husband in Vietnam? WTF?!?”

The show’s creator Matthew Weiner is accustomed to criticism from the media, but perhaps not so much from his fans.  We have concluded that he is very upset, because in an extremely uncharacteristic move the usually secretive Weiner has leaked some details about season six, which will maybe go into production just as soon as Bryan Cranston’s character on “Breaking Bad” finally blows himself up in a meth lab and no longer requires a paycheck.

The source of these details, an actor on the show with an oddly creepy mustache, about whom we will only say that his character's name rhymes with “Schmen,” told Unsolicited Drivel, “Dad…I mean Matthew really wasn’t prepared for the backlash from the last episode.  Hey, Peggy was back on after all.  Anyway, the episodes that rated highest in season five were the ones where the Pete Campbell character got punched.  That f*ck weasel should have been beaten previously in every season. If they had done that we might not have had such a long hiatus between seasons 4 and five.  I got pubes during that all time!   So look for Pete to get beaten regularly like a gong in season six to distract from the fans’ disappointment in Don’s resuming womanizing, Joan reconciling with her misogynist husband, Harry Crane not dying of scurvy, Peggy becoming a tobacco executive, and Roger Sterling retiring to become a peyote farmer in New Mexico. But you didn't hear it from me!”

Little Scottish Girl’s School Lunch Blog Goes Viral
Arrrrgyylsocks, Scotland – An elementary school student hailing from bonnie Scotland has been censored by school officials for publishing photos with commentary about her school’s lunches on her Internet blog.  Martha Payne’s Never on an Empty Stomach launched this past spring and quickly became popular with students forced to eat crap worldwide with over 1 million hits.

Even celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who has been crusading against carbs in schools for years, has jumped to Payne’s defense.  He stated, “I’m so glad the little lassie gets me concern over the shite that is school lunches these days. I’m tired from blowing me nutritional argument wad on lunch laaaaadies who could snap me like a twig.”

But the Scottish government remains no fan of Payne’s culinary reviewing efforts and after visiting her blog, we are starting to understand why.

Never on an Empty Stomach
By Martha Payne

WTF?  Kippered Herring?  Don’t you people realize that has enough sodium for one day to make a 350-pound Highland caber log tosser stroke out?  And why arrre you serving corn?  The resulting blood sugar crash by 2pm will put me wee brain into a fog thicker than an Edinburgh morning!
Haggis? Again?!?  And you wonder why there are no Scottish restaurants?!  I would crawl into an actual sheep’s intestine just to avoid eating that again.  And what make of wax beans arrrre these?  I’ll bet they arrrre genetically modified!

Whoever the brainiac was that told you that serving brains would increase intelligence as a substitute for actually teaching kids their lessons was sadly mistaken.  The laddie next to me is banging his head into his lunch plate right now.  And don’t you realize that due to unexplained factors (but most likely environmental pollution), that almost all little kids arrre allergic to peanuts now?  Bollocks!  Do you want me to go into anaphylactic shock?

Well, we were never too thrilled with school lunches either.  In fact, that’s what caused one of our editors to live on Ho-Hos for an entire year, thus setting up a lifetime of being bitch-slapped by something they call an "immune system.”  Regardless, schools need to do a much better job so kids don’t turn into mutants like us.  And thank goodness, Martha Payne has taken them to task!  

Tabloids Aren't Interested in Photos of That New Kardashian Kid Penelope Scotland 
I can see why.

Hurricane Sandy Forces Suri Cruise to Live Near Nerds
What in the name of Xenu?!?
New York, NY - Self-proclaimed Queen of all celebrity tots, Suri Cruise, was forced to leave her luxury apartment in Chelsea this week due to Hurricane Sandy, and move to a hotel…UPTOWN!

The six-year-old pending fashionista told us, "About 8:30 Monday night we lost power and I had to resort to looking at myself in the mirror by my pink flashlight! Can you believe that? I know it doesn't look like it would matter to my mom Katie if she could bathe or groom, but it certainly matters to me! So, I'm like even though we live in one of the hippest 'hoods in Manhattan let's bail. Even the Starbucks were closed! Then Katie goes and moves us to a hotel on the upper East Side. I mean, what the heck? I don't swear by the way.  I'm too cool for a potty mouth.  Didn't that communist Alec Baldwin live on the upper East Side before he started banging a yoga instructor half his age downtown? Plus there are women here who look…are you sitting down?……MATRONLY!!!  I can't wait to get back to Chelsea where they gays are like my ladies-in-waiting and are nearly wetting themselves to see what I wear to school each day!"  

Wal-Mart Has Plan to Be Less Trample-to-Deathy This Black Friday
Die better...
Arkansas - The country's leading market manipulating retailer, Wal-Mart, announced a plan this week to make their stores less likely to have people trampled to death this coming "Black Friday."

Unsolicited Drivel
tried to get the plan straight from the horse's mouth, Walton family heiress Alice, but she was too busy driving her luxury car shit-faced into trees.  So, we settled for hearing from a company spokesperson who told us:

"While we were between strongarming our vendors so we can totally manipulate the marketplace this week and locking employees in the break room until they agreed to work overtime off the clock, we came up with this idea to start Black Friday a day earlier.  We wanted to start it this Friday, but we are still trying to unload leftover crap from Halloween.  Anyway, we figured if we start it Thanksgiving evening, Americans who can't wait to buy the various electronics, games, etc., to keep them from having quality time with their families will be tripped out on tryptophan after eating turkey and behave less like total assholes.  As much as we like to collect on the life insurance policies we take out on those senior citizens we hire as greeters, it's still not pleasant to see someone's Grand-pappy as a stain on the linoleum."

North American Man/Boy Love Association Buys Up Tickle Me Elmo Doll Supply
Time to rethink having his hand up my butt...
U.S. of A. - After the recent scandal involving beloved Sesame Street actor Kevin Clash being an alleged little boy lover was exposed, it seems a famed pedophile organization has bought up the country's entire Tickle Me Elmo doll supply.

A spokesman for NAMBLA told Unsolicited Drivel, "We are so BEYOND thrilled girl!  We never had the perfect Christmas gift for our victims before!"

The Mayor of Baltimore, Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, Clash's hometown, was quoted as saying, "Damn! First The Wire ruins our city's reputation and now this?  I think we're going to change the name of the city.  I'm considering going with Baghdad by the Bay."

In a related story, former disgraced pedo GOP Congressman Mark Foley said he was considering re-running for his seat and said he would hire Elmo to do his political ads.

UPDATE: Kevin Clash has been cleared of any wrong-doing as the actor's accuser has said the relationship was consensual.  However, that still doesn't mean Elmo doesn't blow compare to Grover.

UPDATE/UPDATE: Clash has resigned from Sesame Street as there was a whole lot of man/boy love going on.  He's currently developing a Pedo Bear puppet.  

Area Child Claims Life is Ruined by “Fracked Up” Barbie
Good thing Ken is really gay...
Tuckahoe, VA – An area child complained quite loudly today that her life was now ruined because she received a “fracked up” Barbie from Santa Claus this Christmas.

Little Angela Baker, aged six, told Unsolicited Drivel, “You wouldn’t believe this ugly-ass bitch.  She looks like a freaking flounder for Christ’s sake!  I can't whip that doll out at a tea party!!  I’d be tease-bullied to death.  Mommy was also very upset and believes that Barbie was damaged by the process of fracking, whatever the frack that is.  She said the evil House Majority leader, that Eric Cantor dude, lets this fracking go on in our district. I guess fracking makes your face fall off eventually or some other bad stuff?  She also said it was probably this fracking thing that caused the great earthquake of 2011 which made one bottle of Sunny D.  fall off the shelf at the Food Lion.  I still don’t know who this Cantor guy is, but I’d really like to stick gum in his hair.”

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