Wal-Mart Heiress Sadly Admits to Being Sober When Dumping Paul Deen

Where's the PBR?

Somewhere in Texas (y’all) – In a stunning revelation this morning Wal-Mart heiress Alice Walton confessed to being “sober as a June bug under a magnifying glass” while making the decision to shit-can America's Dame of Diabetes, Paula Deen, in their corporate partnership.

Known for driving into trees drunk (because she won’t hire a person of color to take her pub crawling), Walton insisted that the decision came very easily, even while sober, because she just doesn’t like "crackers." In fact, as of this writing, we were told the only crackers Walton has any tolerance for are oyster crackers on a bowl of San Antonio style chili.

A spokesperson for the notorious ingrate told Unsolicited Drivel, “Alice doesn’t live here anymore. Ha! Even though the Walton family made their fortunes off of racist hicks, Alice hated 'crackers' before it was cool. But only IRONICALLY. That’s why in board meetings, when we get together to discuss how to strong-arm our vendors into creating more slave labor, we have to refer to Ms. Walton as 'The Hillbilly Hipster'  ma'am yes, ma'am.”

Wal-Mart Has Plan to Be Less Trample-to-Deathy This Black Friday

Die better...

Arkansas - The country's leading market manipulating retailer, Wal-Mart, announced a plan this week to make their stores less likely to have people trampled to death this coming "Black Friday."

Unsolicited Drivel tried to get the plan straight from the horse's mouth, Walton family heiress Alice, but she was too busy driving her luxury car shit-faced into trees.  So, we settled for hearing from a company spokesperson who told us:

"While we were between strongarming our vendors so we can totally manipulate the marketplace this week and locking employees in the break room until they agreed to work overtime off the clock, we came up with this idea to start Black Friday a day earlier.  We wanted to start it this Friday, but we are still trying to unload leftover crap from Halloween.  Anyway, we figured if we start it Thanksgiving evening, Americans who can't wait to buy the various electronics, games, etc., to keep them from having quality time with their families will be tripped out on tryptophan after eating turkey and behave less like total assholes.  As much as we like to collect on the life insurance policies we take out on those senior citizens we hire as greeters, it's still not pleasant to see someone's Grand-pappy as a stain on the linoleum."