Senator Bernie Sanders Caught Saving Cat From Being Roadkill: Wasserman Schutlz Inconsolable

Don't Cry for Me Donkey Party...

Portland, Oregon - Current democratic party chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, was found beside herself today (almost forgetting her hair gel) when she learned that while on the campaign trail, Senator Bernie Sanders rescued a kitty from being crushed by a Secret Service SUV. Maybe they gave him the drunk Secret Service guys? (Those were meant for Trump.)

She told a staffer, "Damn it! That man with a 100% approval rating from the Humane Society! Everyone knows the most popular animals on the Internet are cats! Followed by goats and maybe lamas? Everyone ALSO knows FOR SURE Hillary Clinton would recuse a cat ANY DAY of the week. She OWNED 'Socks' the cat after all. She didn't name him, 'Socks the sensible shoes' cat. And Socks rocked it. Until they abandoned him. Or her? Whatever. What if Sanders rescues a French Bull dog? This man must be stopped. What if my arch nemesis Tim Canova saves some endangered species of gecko from pesticides in my district in Florida? The Geico gecko could never save me if THAT nightmare happens! I guess I'll just go back to my real life ambition. Playing the role of 'Evita" at Burt Reynold's dinner theater in Jupiter, Florida???"

Wal-Mart Heiress Sadly Admits to Being Sober When Dumping Paul Deen

Where's the PBR?

Somewhere in Texas (y’all) – In a stunning revelation this morning Wal-Mart heiress Alice Walton confessed to being “sober as a June bug under a magnifying glass” while making the decision to shit-can America's Dame of Diabetes, Paula Deen, in their corporate partnership.

Known for driving into trees drunk (because she won’t hire a person of color to take her pub crawling), Walton insisted that the decision came very easily, even while sober, because she just doesn’t like "crackers." In fact, as of this writing, we were told the only crackers Walton has any tolerance for are oyster crackers on a bowl of San Antonio style chili.

A spokesperson for the notorious ingrate told Unsolicited Drivel, “Alice doesn’t live here anymore. Ha! Even though the Walton family made their fortunes off of racist hicks, Alice hated 'crackers' before it was cool. But only IRONICALLY. That’s why in board meetings, when we get together to discuss how to strong-arm our vendors into creating more slave labor, we have to refer to Ms. Walton as 'The Hillbilly Hipster'  ma'am yes, ma'am.”

Kenan Thompson Could Have Totally Made Y-2K His Bitch