Showing posts with label Paula Deen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Paula Deen. Show all posts
Monday, July 1, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wal-Mart Heiress Sadly Admits to Being Sober When Dumping Paul Deen
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| Where's the PBR? |
Known for driving into trees drunk (because she won’t hire a person of color to take her pub crawling), Walton insisted that the decision came very easily, even while sober, because she just doesn’t like "crackers." In fact, as of this writing, we were told the only crackers Walton has any tolerance for are oyster crackers on a bowl of San Antonio style chili.
A spokesperson for the notorious ingrate told Unsolicited Drivel, “Alice doesn’t live here anymore. Ha! Even though the Walton family made their fortunes off of racist hicks, Alice hated 'crackers' before it was cool. But only IRONICALLY. That’s why in board meetings, when we get together to discuss how to strong-arm our vendors into creating more slave labor, we have to refer to Ms. Walton as 'The Hillbilly Hipster' ma'am yes, ma'am.”
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Paula Deen is Releasing Her First Feature Film!
I don't think I care for the menu. But then again, I'm a Yankee.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Paul Deen Weight Loss Secrets Revealed!
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| Moderation, y'all! |
What’s Paula’s secret? Well, we asked a representative for the 5’ 5” stick of butter for comment and he told us!
“I’m Paula’s personal assistant. I’m in charge of removing shards of glass when she drops measuring cups into the mixer so she doesn’t sever her trachea. And I help her keep her glass house in order. Uh, I meant quaint Victorian mansion. Yeah. That's right. I also help her stick to her diet to achieve her goal of not promoting diabetes for Americans like it's a sport. Anyway, it’s more than just moderation. Instead of buttermilk Paula now uses Greek yogurt mixed with coconut water. Whenever she gets the urge to use 3 sticks of butter in a recipe, she now spreads two of them on her chest instead. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not going to lie for her. Anthony Bourdain may hate Paul more that he hates eating warthog anus, but he’s always liked me. He really seems to appreciate people who are gluttons for punishment for some reason. So I got Bourdain to record a DVD of him screaming nasty insults at Paula and whenever her willpower drops, I play it for her from sun up ‘til sun down y’all!”
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Land-O-Lakes Butter Maiden SLAMS Paula Deen
Somewhere in Minnesota – Things just get worse and worse for celebrity chef Paula Deen since her recent admission of her diabetes diagnosis and endorsement deal with her treatment drug maker Novo Nordisk. First her fellow Food Network colleagues refused to comment on the subject or speak to her and now the American Indian maiden who is the Land-O-Lakes Butter model has slammed her publicly due to their plummeting sales.
The maiden, often referred to as Boobs that Look Like Knees, told us, “Ever since Paula admitted she has to change her diet our sales have dipped considerably. The average American who likes to eat an entire stick of butter at every meal KNOWS they are never going to get a lucrative endorsement deal with a big pharmaceutical to make up for going blind or having a foot removed, so they’ve just gone ahead and already taken our product off their table. Cookie Monster could have had that drug endorsement deal YEARS ago, but he has standards and knew it was important to protect the Sesame Street brand. No wonder nobody at her network wants to speak to her. I get a royalty check for every box of butter sold. It’s not like I’m part owner of a casino and can get extra income that way. That’s just a Native American stereotype and F.U. for even thinking that. If that bitch Paula really wants to do damage control for me I suggest she head to her local Winn-Dixie, Sharpie marker in hand, and start changing the labels on tubs of I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter to I Can’t Believe it’s Butt Hair.”
