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Wal-Mart Heiress Sadly Admits to Being Sober When Dumping Paul Deen

Where's the PBR?

Somewhere in Texas (y’all) – In a stunning revelation this morning Wal-Mart heiress Alice Walton confessed to being “sober as a June bug under a magnifying glass” while making the decision to shit-can America's Dame of Diabetes, Paula Deen, in their corporate partnership.

Known for driving into trees drunk (because she won’t hire a person of color to take her pub crawling), Walton insisted that the decision came very easily, even while sober, because she just doesn’t like "crackers." In fact, as of this writing, we were told the only crackers Walton has any tolerance for are oyster crackers on a bowl of San Antonio style chili.

A spokesperson for the notorious ingrate told Unsolicited Drivel, “Alice doesn’t live here anymore. Ha! Even though the Walton family made their fortunes off of racist hicks, Alice hated 'crackers' before it was cool. But only IRONICALLY. That’s why in board meetings, when we get together to discuss how to strong-arm our vendors into creating more slave labor, we have to refer to Ms. Walton as 'The Hillbilly Hipster'  ma'am yes, ma'am.”