I Never Played With Dolls

I was only interested in decorating Barbie's dream house.

Senator Bernie Sanders Caught Saving Cat From Being Roadkill: Wasserman Schutlz Inconsolable

Don't Cry for Me Donkey Party...

Portland, Oregon - Current democratic party chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, was found beside herself today (almost forgetting her hair gel) when she learned that while on the campaign trail, Senator Bernie Sanders rescued a kitty from being crushed by a Secret Service SUV. Maybe they gave him the drunk Secret Service guys? (Those were meant for Trump.)

She told a staffer, "Damn it! That man with a 100% approval rating from the Humane Society! Everyone knows the most popular animals on the Internet are cats! Followed by goats and maybe lamas? Everyone ALSO knows FOR SURE Hillary Clinton would recuse a cat ANY DAY of the week. She OWNED 'Socks' the cat after all. She didn't name him, 'Socks the sensible shoes' cat. And Socks rocked it. Until they abandoned him. Or her? Whatever. What if Sanders rescues a French Bull dog? This man must be stopped. What if my arch nemesis Tim Canova saves some endangered species of gecko from pesticides in my district in Florida? The Geico gecko could never save me if THAT nightmare happens! I guess I'll just go back to my real life ambition. Playing the role of 'Evita" at Burt Reynold's dinner theater in Jupiter, Florida???"

Former Governor Jan Brewer Excitedly Open to Be Trump’s Possible VP Pick

We're so expert at hatred!

Phoenix, AZ - Former Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, is very excited her name is being floated around as Donald Trump’s possible pick for vice president to make America hate more than it already does.

When reached for comment, Brewer told Unsolicited Drivel, “I didn’t think it was possible to find a candidate that hates Mexicans more than I do??? And he lies constantly! Just like I lied about finding severed Mexican drug cartel heads in the deserts of my adopted home state. I may be no beauty queen like Sarah Palin, but both Donald and I have skin that makes us look like we sunbathe on the actual surface of the sun. Donald even hates chimichangas! Don’t tell him the recipe was invented in America. I’d worry he won’t like me anymore because they serve them in Arizona and I have to admit, that’s the last meal I shared with my other favorite hater, Sheriff Joe Arpaio when we were playing Wheel of Deportation. I will never ‘play the woman card' like Hillary Clinton either. The last time I tried to play the ‘woman card’ the clerk at the Walmart cut it up like I was an identity thief. In fact, they revoked my woman card many years ago. Something about me having as much compassion for women and all of humanity as a scorpion? I don’t really remember…

When reached for comment Secretary Clinton had no words.

We've Just Received Confirmation About Hillary Clinton Running in 2016

She joined Twitter!

Where Was the Cool When Hillary Was Running for Prez?

She even hung out with Ugly Betty and still didn't gain my loyalty. Anyhow, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton continues to turn up the cool factor (take notes, Barry).  When she's not texting like a bad-ass, she's turning down co-starring with actor Jason Segel on the big screen.  I would need the Muppets on set to keep a straight face too :)

(Link)

Dennis Miller Hopes to Be Next Big A-Hole on the Radio

Los Angeles – Representatives for Dennis Miller said this week that the failed comedian/failed sportcaster hopes to become the next big, flaming, right wing a-hole in America as his radio show with Dial Global is going nationwide.

Miller’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “Clearly the handwriting is on the wall for Rush Limbaugh after the Sandra Fluke controversy.  If Rush finally caves to pressure from liberal scum and decides to leave the radio to ‘spend more time with his future ex-wife,’ that would create a huge void in freakishly conservative assholes on the airwaves.  That’s why we rushed, pun intended, to ink Dennis’ 300-station deal.  Now you’ll be able to hear him in every major market saying sexist, crude remarks.  Pretty nervy for a guy who used to sport a mullet.   Expect Dennis' usual targets like Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.  And he's looking forward to slamming Elizabeth Warren’s looks while having no real knowledge about her policies when she kicks Scott Brown’s ass out of the Senate.  We’ll just counter the public outrage from women by having Sarah Palin on the show the next day after Dennis makes a gaffe.  If Sarah’s not available, we’ll get Ann Coulter.  We’re pretty sure she’s female.”

Dick Cheney Stuns Nation by Sharing Flattering Thoughts About Hillary Clinton

Los Angeles – Former VP Dick Cheney stunned viewers of ABC News this week by saying complimentary things about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and even went so far as to encourage her to run for President in a primary against Barack (the incredible caving man) Obama.

Cheney was promoting his new book How I Plotted the Destruction of the Middle East for Fun and Profit and You Can Too! and told ABC’s Jonathan Karl, “I think she’s probably the most competent person they’ve got in their in their cabinet.  And frankly, I thought she was gonna win the nomination last time around. Maybe if the Obama record is bad enough and these days it’s not very good, given the shape of the economy maybe there will be enough ferment in the Democratic Party so that there will be a primary on their side.”

ABC News’ switchboard was flooded immediately after the interview with callers from red states demanding to know whether the producers had waterboarded Cheney to get him to say nice things about Hillary Clinton, or if he had just been replaced with a pod person.  ABC News declined to comment about Cheney and as a result the Vice President and Sith overlord’s Facebook status was quickly downgraded from completely evil to somewhat congenial, causing him to be unliked by his fans in droves.