Sequester 2013 Explained!

There they go again...

Washington, DC – The American government has become expert at least one thing; rebranding the deficit crisis so the rest of us don’t know what the HELL they are talking about.  This time their boutique-marketing agency decided to call the budget cut negotiations a “sequester” because the idea of America going off a “fiscal cliff” gave too many people fantasies about Karl Rove and Grover Norquist in an old convertible sailing off the Arizona Red Rocks while holding hands. So as of this writing, it appears that they will sequester tomorrow and Unsolicited Drivel readers want to know WHY?!?  So, we’ve provided this handy diagram for just you!

Our Guvmint at work....

Bush Family Emails Hacked, Reveal George W. Bush As Budding Artist

Bush Family Emails Hacked, Reveal George W. Bush As Budding Artist
He's an Expressionist!  And not just expressing distaste for Americans who don't care for his "decider" decisions!!!

Uh, the water is supposed to run over you Mr. President...

HBO Didn’t Mean to Impale Dubya

Los Angeles – Executives at the network where actors first could say “f*ck,” HBO, are apologizing this week for using a likeness of former President George W. Bush in a beheading scene in its popular series Game of Thrones.

Bush’s head was first spotted by people not doing the work they are paid for on the site Reddit.com and has since almost gone viral among Internet slackers. Uh, we mean users.

A spokesperson for the cable network told Unsolicited Drivel, “We had to use whatever heads we had sitting around gathering dust in the special effects warehouse. Really. Why leave a perfectly good empty head around gathering dust when it could be splattered with blood? It was totally NOT a political statement. I KNOW what you are thinking. Oh, the irony! Because Bush likes to invade countries where they still are fond of cutting off your head while thinking he can bomb them back to the Stone Age, when in the case of, say, Afghanistan, they never left the Stone Age to begin with. But that’s not the case. If we had had a Kardashian or a Lohan head lying around, we certainly would have used that in the same scene. Besides, if we had wanted to make a political statement about the senseless murder of defenseless civilians all in order to line the pockets of our evil corporate cronies, we would have gone with a Dick Cheney head.”

America Still Doesn’t Get a Warm Fuzzy for George W. Bush

U.S. of A. – Although most Americans would admittedly like to have a beer with him, George W. Bush is reportedly the least popular living president in U.S. history. These new statistics were established once it was discovered that the 43rd president was still alive, despite being almost invisible since leaving office, as Bush was recently seen clearing brush on his ranch and it was determined by experts that he would need a pulse to do that.

When polled, 54% of Americans who like to take polls had an unfavorable view of Bush, while 43% who never read a newspaper said they still thought of him favorably. Even Warren G. Harding, who is still dead, most people don’t  even realize was president and who invented partisan cronyism and paved the way for the careers of over achieving evil-doers in America’s government, had a more favorable rating than George W. Bush. Of those who disapprove of George W. Bush, many people said they thought more favorably of former President Jimmy Carter’s liver spots and President Bill Clinton’s cigar than they did of George W. Bush. Former Vice President Al Gore also scored more favorably because he was actually elected president. Also, in what may perhaps be a bit of a slap on the ass for George W., many Americans said that they still thought better of Bush’s father George H.W.  even though he never kept his word about not raising taxes and primarily because he jumps out of planes thus increasing the possibility of someday killing himself.

Obama Looking Forward to 4 More Years of Calling Kanye West a Jackass

Washington, DC – Sources close to President Barack Obama claim that not only is the faux progressive looking forward to having four more years for Americans to notice his first term accomplishments -- he’s also hoping for four more years rife with opportunities to label Kanye West a “jackass.” Obama famously labeled hip-hop’s biggest ego as such after his stunt at the VMAs embarrassing full-time surprised person Taylor Swift and did so again this week when asked about him by The Atlantic.

A rep from Obama’s campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “When that Atlantic reporter asked him about Jay-Z versus Kanye, of course Obama was going to say he preferred Jay-Z.  Jay lets him sing karaoke with Beyonce at parties.  Once we crush Romney in the election in November provided every racist in America doesn’t come out of their bomb shelter to vote, the President will enjoy having many more chances to label West, or 'Immaletchufinish' as we refer to him in the West Wing, a jackass.  He’s the only person who can really do that with little to no fear of a drive-by shooting thanks to the Secret Service.  And now that Kanye is dating a Kardashian, he’s pretty much guaranteed to implode publicly more often than Speaker Boehner burst into tears.  Although I must confess, considering how many of George W. Bush’s policies Obama has continued with, I’m surprised that he didn’t mistakenly refer to the rapper as Conway.”

America Celebrates 10th Year of Unwavering Disgust With Media’s Sensationalistic Coverage of 9/11™

U.S. of A. – Remembering the tragedy of 9/11™ has always been tough for Americans. But as the 10th anniversary approaches, one thing they are finding to be easier than ever is to be disgusted with the media’s coverage of that sad day.

One TV news viewer told Unsolicited Drivel, “it’s going to be really easy to hate the media this year because I’m sure they are planning some sort of tasteless 9/11™ commemoration for the 10-year anniversary mark. Maybe they’ll have a parade in New York with Rudy Giulani standing on a float waving along with rejects from American Idol dressed as fire fighters singing patriotic songs or something. I’m guessing coverage of that parade would be perfect for Fox News’ audience. I initially thought it was going to be difficult to watch the news this year and hate it as much as I think is appropriate as I can’t watch Katie Couric’s kewpie doll face go frowny. But there are plenty of other newscasters who I’ve noticed can be pretty convincingly morose one moment and then suddenly cheerful when they report they’ve found a way for pain-free removal of unsightly hair on the bikini line. On second thought, I think I’m going to have to have a total media blackout to get through the weekend. But if I find out that some network will be broadcasting George W. Bush doing a dramatic reading of My Pet Goat for Michael Moore, I’ll go out and purchase a widescreen plasma TV to watch it. Bush would want me to go shopping to fix the economy.”

Biggest Shockers from Dick Cheney’s New Book!

It comes as no surprise that former Vice President Dick Cheney is indeed trying to make good on his promise that “heads will explode” in Washington upon the release his new memoir, “In My Time.”

Unsolicited Drivel has snooped by looking over shoulders at Kindles and Nooks headed to K Street this morning (we can’t afford the book or the e-readers), and here are the most revealing tidbits so far…

• Cheney has "no regrets" over waterboarding unlawful combatants to try and garner information after 9/11™.  Although he did concede that if he had it to do over, he’d use beer instead as it would also offend their religion and sting their eyes.  Besides, the plumber’s bill at Gitmo for offending prisoners' religion from flushing their Korans got kind of out of hand.

• Cheney felt that Colin Powell was disrespectful over his handing of the invasion of Iraq and routinely has Powell’s front yard littered with Pottery Barn catalogues even to this day.

• Cheney thought that Condoleeza Rice was a lightweight and took every opportunity he could to make her cry.  Usually he did this by refusing her requests to leave town to go shoe shopping.

• Cheney kept a secret resignation letter in his desk at all times and was prepared to use it if it doctors were ever able to implant him with a functioning human heart.

• There are not enough hours in the day to beat on Arizona Senator John McCain for criticizing Cheney’s policies he inflicted on the Bush Administration in his effort to bring America to its knees.  In fact, Cheney had wanted to have Halliburton drill enough holes in the earth to slow down its rotation to have more hours in the day to criticize McCain and do so while scowling at him from the outside of a bamboo cage.

• Cheney’s sorry he shot his friend Harry Whittington while hunting, but Harry hadn’t shaved all that weekend and after a few shots of single-malt over his oatmeal in the morning, even Mrs. Cheney would have looked like bin Laden to him.

And finally…

• Cheney also reveals that during the 2010 operation to place a battery-operated pump in his chest, he dreamt about being in a wonderful place in Italy, preferably sharing a glass of grappa with Mussolini.

Bush Declines Invitation to Ground Zero Bin Laden Ceremony

Crawford, TX – Former President George W. Bush has declined President Obama’s invitation to attend a ceremony at at Ground Zero to mark the death of Osama bin Laden tomorrow.

Speaking from a behind pile of brush on his ranch, Bush told us, “I appreciate the invitation.  I really do.  And I’m sad I won’t be there, but it don’t feel right.  I mean, most Americans wouldn’t even know who that feller Osama bin Laden was if I hadn’t ignored that memo about his plan to attack, so you’re welcome.  And think of all of them jobs I created in Homeland Security too!   But I do believe this is Mr. Obama’s accomplishment.  Takin’ bin Laden out and all.  Out of that mansion he was living in Pakistan that we never found ‘cause Halliburton didn’t have no contracts there.  Yep,  this is clearly a win for the Obama administration.  Despite what that Sarah Palin thinks.  And speakin’ of Sarah, ever since she’s come on the national stage, I don’t hardly have access to Karl Rove to tell me what to think and say because he’s too busy doin’ damage control for our party ‘cause of her.  Damn.  She’s pretty and all, but at times like this I really hate that harpy.”