Russell Brand Demands Kardashian 4-Way; America Throws Up in Own Mouth

Los Angeles – Comedian and alleged actor Russell Brand made the entire country throw up in it’s own mouth last evening by fantasizing out loud about having a four-way with the Kardashian sisters.

Appearing on the talk show Chelsea Lately (as the only guest host Chelsea Handler probably would not want to bang) he made his admiration obvious to the attention whore sisters.

Unsolicited Drivel contacted Brand for comment about his fantasy date.

U.D.: “Firstly, Russell, uh, it’s nice to meet you. I guess. Did you ever notice that you have played the role of ‘Aldous Snow’ at least four times even though the character’s name had been changed in different movies?”

R.B: “Blimey!  I never noticed that Drivel Lady! But I have ADD you know love!”

U.D.: “Well, you might want to have a little discussion with your agent about that or stay off the movie screen for a good while so people forget.  Anyway, why the Kardashian sisters?”

RB: “Well, those lassies seem game for anything.  They've even sniffed their bloomers on TV!  I don’t know what Armenian coochies smell like and I’d like out for meself.  I imagine, Ishkhan, Sig; some kind of lake trout like they have in their homeland? I dunno! My ex-ball and chain’s mum, Katy Perry’s, would never approve of such an orgy as she’s very religious.  I bet the Kardashian’s mum Kris would even shoot the sex tape!”

U.D.: “You do realize you will still be playing ‘Aldous Snow’ in the sex tape, right?”

RB: “I guess I hadn’t thought that far ahead love. Better up me Adderall.”

Hatred Targets Getting Scarcer, Westboro Baptist Church Labels Russell Brand a “FAG”

I'm not a pimp yet mates.

Los Angeles – Having no deceased gay soldiers to try and demonize for their grieving families this week, or celebrity sinners who have recently passed to Photoshop themselves into pictures picketing their funerals, two members of the Westboro Baptist Church targeted self-proclaimed comedian and box office murderer Russell Brand as being gay.

While taking time away from his hobbies of breaking paparazzi’s iPhones or allegedly side-swiping homeless people with his car, Brand hosts a talk show on a TV network where most of the viewers have never even heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, Brand X on cable's FX , and invited two of their more notorious members on - Steve Drain and demon spawn of founder Fred Phelps, Timothy Phelps.  After insisting that Brand was a “fag pimp” the three played a fun(?) game to decide just who was going to hell – which included beloved Hollywood actor Tom Hanks.  Only guessing here...because he dressed as a woman in the sitcom Bosom Buddies?  Oh no! That means Tom Hanks must not only going to hell, but he’s going to TRANSVESTITE HELL?!?

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with Mr. Phelps after the taping of Brand X because it seemed like an odd choice for him to appear on the show. Then again, everything the Westboro Baptist Church does is odd.  Anyway, Timothy told us, “You’re right about Hanks.  Even though he played a retard, and all of them git an express ticket to heaven, he played that transvestite so he’s going straight to hell.  Madonna?  No question there.  I said Gandhi’s going to hell cause he didn’t eat no food given to him and that’s a gift from God.  Or whatever them Hindys worship.  An eight armed elephant or something?  I dunno.  They think ‘fags’ are cigarettes in England but that Brand feller IS a HOMOsexual.  After all, he went and married that good Christian gal Katy Perry and didn’t want to have no sex with her for the rest of his life. What in Jesus’ name was that limey bastard thinkin’?  That ALONE makes him a F-A-G!  Plus, all them British guys are fags.  God hates the British!!!”

UPDATE: We have been reminded by a concerned reader that Tom Hanks played "one of those AIDS fags" in Philadelphia. Our bad for forgetting that performance! But Tom was so convincing as a half-dead dude Reagan wouldn't provide life-saving research for that he was almost unrecognizable.  But it's HELL for Hanksy for sure.

Katy Perry is Ruining the Music Industry

4 Non Blondes rocker and songwriter Linda Perry is no fan of Katy Perry and is even accusing her of being exactly what’s wrong with the music business these days.

The non-bikini-bod-bangin’ Perry admits that she’s no fan of Adele*, but at least Adele can sell an entire album, while Katy is only good for a single or two that are the equivalent of microwave popcorn.

Jealous much?  We wondered and spoke with a music industry insider about Linda’s comments who told us, “Uh, did she ever consider that maybe Katy’s not talented enough to come up with an entire album of good stuff while she’s busy working out to look really hot for fans and so she can go home and bang Russell Brand and his baby nipples all to wipe out the memory of her strict religious upbringing?  But truth be told, Katy doesn’t have to produce an entire quality album because of the evil music factory that has emerged via iTunes and Apple computer.  If there’s anyone to blame, blame those black turtleneck wearing, self-important, slave labor hiring, bastards. But Linda's comparing Katy’s music to microwave popcorn is some seriously nasty shit.  I’ve heard Katy’s latest album and while it’s contrived and trite, I don’t think it’s possible that it could stink up an entire three floors of an office building.”

*WTF?