Turdmanistan Graciously Offers Asylum to NSA Leaker Edward Snowden

Come for the delicious beetles; stay for the floggings!

Central Asia – The little known somewhat repressive country Turdmanistan has made an open asylum offer to the U.S.'s former NSA heroic or villainous (depending on whom you ask) whistleblower Edward Snowden in an effort to quote, “finally get some sexy or at least skanky pop stars to sing happy birthday to our president.”

Snowden, currently hiding in a Russian airport like Tom Hanks did in the movie The Terminal, has stated he wants to leave the airport because there is no one there who looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones even though Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let him see him shirtless.

A press secretary for Turdmanistan’s President Gurbangalangajoud Mahmoudsudoko told Unsolicited Drivel, “We know our president is not as brutal a dictator as say, the late master hater Moammar Gaddafi, or as snappy a dresser.  In fact some days it’s hard to get him to wear something fancier than a moth-eaten Whitney Houston t-shirt and the same old stinky flax drawstring pants when he bends toward Mecca to pray, and he’s really not quite as repressive as he should be.  Naturally, our people are starving and pretty much have only dung beetles to eat. But as far as violence is concerned, the president basically just sticks to having our citizens self-flog themselves for his entertainment with a camel-riding crop.  Therefore, I fear our only chance to buy a pop star with no morals on the level of Jennifer Lopez to sing at his birthday party is if we offer this American spy a place to crash.  That is, unless you believe this Ms. Lopez thinks Snowden is a traitor? Do you know? Well in case you are aware of J-Lo's any negative feelings, or Beyonce's too for that matter, do you by any chance have Ke$ha’s phone number? I'm pretty sure she has no thoughts about America's privacy one way or another.”

Hatred Targets Getting Scarcer, Westboro Baptist Church Labels Russell Brand a “FAG”

I'm not a pimp yet mates.

Los Angeles – Having no deceased gay soldiers to try and demonize for their grieving families this week, or celebrity sinners who have recently passed to Photoshop themselves into pictures picketing their funerals, two members of the Westboro Baptist Church targeted self-proclaimed comedian and box office murderer Russell Brand as being gay.

While taking time away from his hobbies of breaking paparazzi’s iPhones or allegedly side-swiping homeless people with his car, Brand hosts a talk show on a TV network where most of the viewers have never even heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, Brand X on cable's FX , and invited two of their more notorious members on - Steve Drain and demon spawn of founder Fred Phelps, Timothy Phelps.  After insisting that Brand was a “fag pimp” the three played a fun(?) game to decide just who was going to hell – which included beloved Hollywood actor Tom Hanks.  Only guessing here...because he dressed as a woman in the sitcom Bosom Buddies?  Oh no! That means Tom Hanks must not only going to hell, but he’s going to TRANSVESTITE HELL?!?

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with Mr. Phelps after the taping of Brand X because it seemed like an odd choice for him to appear on the show. Then again, everything the Westboro Baptist Church does is odd.  Anyway, Timothy told us, “You’re right about Hanks.  Even though he played a retard, and all of them git an express ticket to heaven, he played that transvestite so he’s going straight to hell.  Madonna?  No question there.  I said Gandhi’s going to hell cause he didn’t eat no food given to him and that’s a gift from God.  Or whatever them Hindys worship.  An eight armed elephant or something?  I dunno.  They think ‘fags’ are cigarettes in England but that Brand feller IS a HOMOsexual.  After all, he went and married that good Christian gal Katy Perry and didn’t want to have no sex with her for the rest of his life. What in Jesus’ name was that limey bastard thinkin’?  That ALONE makes him a F-A-G!  Plus, all them British guys are fags.  God hates the British!!!”

UPDATE: We have been reminded by a concerned reader that Tom Hanks played "one of those AIDS fags" in Philadelphia. Our bad for forgetting that performance! But Tom was so convincing as a half-dead dude Reagan wouldn't provide life-saving research for that he was almost unrecognizable.  But it's HELL for Hanksy for sure.