Russell Brand Demands Kardashian 4-Way; America Throws Up in Own Mouth

Los Angeles – Comedian and alleged actor Russell Brand made the entire country throw up in it’s own mouth last evening by fantasizing out loud about having a four-way with the Kardashian sisters.

Appearing on the talk show Chelsea Lately (as the only guest host Chelsea Handler probably would not want to bang) he made his admiration obvious to the attention whore sisters.

Unsolicited Drivel contacted Brand for comment about his fantasy date.

U.D.: “Firstly, Russell, uh, it’s nice to meet you. I guess. Did you ever notice that you have played the role of ‘Aldous Snow’ at least four times even though the character’s name had been changed in different movies?”

R.B: “Blimey!  I never noticed that Drivel Lady! But I have ADD you know love!”

U.D.: “Well, you might want to have a little discussion with your agent about that or stay off the movie screen for a good while so people forget.  Anyway, why the Kardashian sisters?”

RB: “Well, those lassies seem game for anything.  They've even sniffed their bloomers on TV!  I don’t know what Armenian coochies smell like and I’d like out for meself.  I imagine, Ishkhan, Sig; some kind of lake trout like they have in their homeland? I dunno! My ex-ball and chain’s mum, Katy Perry’s, would never approve of such an orgy as she’s very religious.  I bet the Kardashian’s mum Kris would even shoot the sex tape!”

U.D.: “You do realize you will still be playing ‘Aldous Snow’ in the sex tape, right?”

RB: “I guess I hadn’t thought that far ahead love. Better up me Adderall.”

Kanye West “Accidentally” Leaks “Kimye” Baby Name!

Yes, dear.

Los Angeles –  Never famous for keeping his yap shut, Kanye West has accidentally leaked the name of his little bastard he’s having with socialite/media whore Kim Kardashian – North.  North West.

A pal of the irascible rapper told Unsolicited Drivel, “Is that totally cool or what yo?  Obviously he couldn’t go with South West. That would be racist!  Plus, I think there's an airline named that or something.  They'd probably totally sue Kanye!  I bet a college grad snobby bitch like you thought he picked it because of that famous Hitchcock movie North By Northwest? But the only ‘Hitch’ Kanye knows is that piece of crap Will Smith film.  He don't care about some master of suspense dude in film y'all. He ain't never going to be invited to no Oscar ceremony. Kim is totally okay with the name but we’re told her mom Kris is not pleased.  No ma'am. She’s threatening to file for full legal custody and change the little brother’s name to Knorth

Jenners Continue to Not Deny Impending Divorce

Happily Never After?

Brentwood, CA -  Keeping Up With The Kardashians stars Bruce and Kris Jenner continue to remain silent about rumors of their inevitable divorce despite the fact that every couple who has ever appeared on a reality TV show has inevitably divorced, dating all the way back to the Louds on the the original reality TV series An American Family in the 70s.  Yes, EVERY couple.  Google it.

Self-proclaimed expert on evweything, Barbara Walters, believes the rumor about trouble in paradise for the stage mom on steroids and the former Olympic great are twue, because of the couple's silence on the subject.

We at Unsolicited Drivel have brainwashed ourselves into believing anything Barbara says because she was the first female broadcaster to demand equal pay for equal work.  Be that as it may, we needed to get the inside scoop for ourselves.  A so-called "family friend" of the K. Klan told us:

"Well, it's not like Bruce is uncomfortable being under the spotlight.  He's been in the spotlight for some time and not just on a plastic surgeon's table.  And Kris has finally stopped bragging to him about how she used to bang O.J. Simpson when she was pretending to befriend Nicole.  No need to verbalize it, there's a sex tape.  Kato Kaelin filmed it in exchange for a Big Mac.  I think Bruce is just tired of being Kris' man servant.  Speaking of sex tapes, I heard he had to function as 'Best Boy' in the production of Kim's.  Some of the other unpleasantness he's been subjected to include waxing Khole's back hair, bitch-slapping Kourtney's baby daddy that entitled little prick Scott Disick when he gets too smug and he also had to sign an agreement to sell Kendall and Kylie into white slavery should their reality show ever be cancelled.  So my guess is it's time for Bruce to lawyer up!"

Kris Jenner Tweets First Photo of Kourtney’s Fetus

Los Angeles – America’s favorite “momager,” Kris Jenner, has already taken on her next client/media superstar by tweeting a picture of daughter Kourtney’s next child from her ultrasound.

A pal of the former Mrs. Kardashian told Unsolicited Drivel, “It’s never too early for Kris to be looking for her next payday and she couldn’t have been more pleased to find out that Kourtney was carrying a girl this time around with her psycho boyfriend Scott.  If her daughters Kylie or Kendall – I’m not sure which because they all look the same to me – can tweet pictures of their underage scantily clothed bodies from Spring Break, why can’t Kourtney’s little bastard?  Kris had Badgley Mischka come up with the string bikini design for the tot and had a Beverly Hills surgeon with no scruples insert it onto the child in the womb.  Of course grandpa-to-be Bruce Jenner is already flipping out over the child’s tabloid exploitation, but it’s pretty easy to ignore his disgust because he can't move his face due to another bad batch of Botox.  The baby’s picture, which Kris sold to WTF Weekly,  is already trending on Twitter as a hot topic and she may even end becoming the most popular Kardashian of all.  Probably because she can’t talk yet.”