Bin Laden Been Confused Again: This Time About Global Warming Villainy

CAIRO — Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden has called upon world markets to boycott American goods and other Western (yes, Western) industrialized nations he blames for global warming.  In a tape on Al-Jazeera television, bin Laden warned the only way to slow global warming was to bring the U.S. Economy to a screeching halt.  Throw a monkey wrench into the cogs of the infidel machine, if you will.   It’s true, America has been a bad polluter in the past, but except during those years where we passed on the Kyoto Treaty, we have made some efforts to clean up our acts.  We have worked to develop cleaner emissions standards and we haven’t run around outside spraying cans of Aqua Net into the atmosphere since at least the late 60s. While we are assuming that Osama doesn’t have access to Google in his cave, we still can’t help but think he could have done a wee bit more research.  We thought we would help him out!

Pollution Revolution – In the years since Osama started his jihad, China has been named the world’s worst polluter, based upon greenhouse gas emissions with the highest overall.  Of course, living in a cave, you only have to worry about inhaling bat guano fumes.  In the last decade, China's exports grew 23%; more than twice the rate of world trade. Within the next decade, economists predict that China will grab as much as a quarter of all world trade.  China is the United States' largest creditor, to the tune of close to $800 billion dollars, yet China continues to steal market share.  So, if the United States cannot repay their bills because they cannot sell their exports, doesn’t that mean that Hong Kong will be throwing more coal on the fire to stoke up production?  And while we are no geographers, last time we checked, China WAS IN THE EAST you flea-bitten freak!  The second largest polluter was Australia, but we could not pinpoint exactly why.  Maybe it’s methane gas from kangaroo farts and all of that Foster’s Lager consumption?

Secondly, let’s take a look at the top customers for U.S. exported goods.  Based on statistics from 2008, America’s largest export clients were as follows:

Canada (20.1%) – Doesn’t have to worry about global warming.
Mexico (11.7%) – Ditto. It’s already hot as Hades there.
China (5.5%) – See above.
Japan (5.1)% - Don’t even view themselves as being part of the same planet as the rest of us.
Germany and United Kingdom (4.2% & 4.1%) – Only interested in David Hasselhoff CDs and toothpaste.  Who cares?

While we are sure that Osama will still call for drastic solutions regardless of whether or not he invests in an iPad and wireless, as one of America’s LARGEST exports is organic chemicals, we’d like to know where in the hell Allah expects Al-Qaida to get their suicide bomber ingredients? It’s a small world after all.  But starting jihads still never gets old.