Cancer Patient Who Can’t Get Good Drugs Pretty Tired of Hollywood Overdosers

Baltimore, MD – An area woman, Ariel Woburn, complained today that she is getting pretty, pretty tired of those Hollywood types overdosing, with no disrespect meant to the most recent one, Corey Haim, and his family.  Besides, there’s no proof yet that drugs were what killed the former child star.  However, there is proof that as a cancer patient, it’s harder to get good drugs than it is as a fading celebrity apparently.  She whined, “I don’t get it at all.  These kids can get non-stop prescriptions for sedatives and painkillers, whatever they want even without signing a contract to appear on ‘Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,’ and it seems like I have to have body parts removed before I can ever get a 60-day supply of anything that might help a tiny bit to get through my day, and that prescription does not include any refills.  Is health care reform going to fix that?  I don’t want to hear about celebrities’ issues with exhaustion when I haven’t slept since the Clinton Administration.  And nobody’s going to try and sell me any pot now that my anti-cancer meds have made me put on too much weight to fit into my tie-die sundresses.”